All that has been done

LIFE's little phrases

2009-04-16T12:35:00.002+08:00

Learn to die and you'll learn how to live.

Appreciate the loving relationships and environment that we take for granted for.

Great poet Auden says, Love each other or perish.

Learn to detach, no use clinging onto because everthing is impermanent. You have to let it go fully and thats how you leave it.

Go all the way through, usually your too busy being afraid.

A title for thee

2009-04-16T12:16:00.003+08:00

See how times go by, realization in sudden burst of enthusiasm.. This little something in me only occuring now.

Its always alittle too late but never.

Have been missing out the little details, LIFE. Ever wonder wat it was, how people accepted/viewed it indifferently? Well, its got to be respected. People like me now are only talking about it becoz either our life is starting to get messy or u have everything alrdy.. Of coz its the first option, neverlessly, its got to have FIGHTING spirit. You wont survive.

See how i changed from a whimsy looking fat boy to a more better, figured person now. My decision making, dedications, principals.. It all matters. Even how people viewed of me, it matters to a certain extend, whether do u need him, shld u satisfy him, play dumb just to please him to get ur life better? it all depends. I say its all about PRIDE man. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

Well, you have to learn to be stupid to be smart.. =)

Learnt it from this old man who does tailoring and y, this little phrases does have effects.

- Like having dignity, dont do things just because you expect something from him in return. Very selfish thought eh.

and whats the most painful of it all.. Every Gain comes with Sacrifices.

Sometimes we are just to scared about losing something. If im goin to commit myself into doing this, im going to lose everything else. Nono.. i got to keep a balance. How? Without losing it completely, you dont gain. And without the latter, would ur life still b as wonderful? If thats so, y are u even comtenplating on making this change?

Sure life has to go on and i say, CHANGE!

2 weeks later.

2007-09-02T10:49:00.000+08:00

Maybe it was just the hp, now, quite redundant it has became.
Its been close to 2 wks we hav stopped seeing each other, things aint the same anymore.
Say its been balanced on both sides. I feel totally free.. Just like a bird, taking any course i would prefer. I also focused my time on other friends, especially my mei and admin time has been put to the Drill Squad. It isnt so bad afterall..

Is it? I lost somebody i wanted to spend my time with, and all the times we were out.. Memories.. Now i'v got to find another. Its ok.. its ok..

Lonliness has always been there for me. Yes, i tink i appreciate it now..

Just yesterday, we had OC's evening and it was funny, freaking relaxing n fun. My platoon did a skid and a song item. Well, thou i could hav done both, i chose song. Tis particular song 'Qing Fei De Yi' was not lik any other times u sang it.. We had such bond and the atmosphere was warm. I was smiling the whole time and i didnt knw y, haha.. It was nice.. it was.

Then i went out wif karen to watch a movie at CWP. I OVERSLEPT! damn it.. felt so bad la, lik always late, so i paid for the popcorn set later, haha.. Anyhow, the show was quite interesting, mmm.. plot was alrit, and Jay was kind cool, lik it makes u wan to feel lik him.. Bt the 'Sky' is damn hell sweet, bloody hell.. damnnnnnnnnnn..

The hardest path, in other words, ur dream.

2007-08-12T13:35:00.000+08:00

If life was a mystery, hide it from me.
pain was nothing more, than a layer of skin.
feeling me, are u feeling it?
decomposed and rotting flesh rid of life,
the ashes n all we celebrate n rejoice.
if so you could,
finish me inadequately.

Say tis was a lie, a big lie life would be.
Make fun, ridicule me, i am as a joke indeed.
Wats there to compare? when all u do best is lose.
So just sayyyyyyyy, just sayyy its better in here tat u live.
A place lik hell born n a victim slew for laughter n joy.
Take wats there in me, pityful me.
Toss me about, lik a happy bee.

'You look funny.'
'No you should not come tonight, i'll go back myself.'
'You should get going.'

'I think we should keep a distance, lets not meet each other for a week.'
'Am starting to get uncomfortable with you.'
'Your not used to not having my presence.'
'Are you still going to msg me or am i going to msg you?'
'Are we still friends?'

'Am very sorry, joel.'

She was my only source of happiness, my motivation, my will to go on, my hope in life, my love.
Took it with her, everyting she gave.

I stared blankly at the screen.. blankly.. My thoughts are running wild, bt its empty. They do not connect like how my life has been broken up into. I foresee, the ever excited expression of rushing back to the bunk n turning on the phone has diminished. The creeping into late nights just to msg and tok will no longer exist. The joy, a laughing joke.
I threw it all, and could you cry for me?
No more talks. no more concern. no more rights.

1 terrible book out day.

2007-08-11T17:45:00.000+08:00

It was an early sat afternoon. I was so excited and delightful of the fact i was going to see her..

This thought carried me thru yesterday n as well as my IPPT tis morning, i juz couldnt wait. Took Parry's car to bishan n decided, well, i shld giv her a little surprise n may hav lunch wif her, or if not, get someting n hav my meal there, haha.. Then i travelled down to novena, gav her a confirmation call n when i confirmed she was ard, i told her i'l call her back later. Then i took the escalator up..

'Hey~',
The next thing she knew, i was juz standing infront of her, all dressed up in my army u..
You look so funny, was the 1st thing she said. and she went on emphasizing how weird it was to hav me down here. Its as bad alrdy wat i am feeling, i didnt care how others felt, bt wat she did, had a significant impact on myself. Nonetheless, i kept it, changed the subject.
'Wat time did u last had ur meal?' and it was juz recently. So i tot, right, i'l see if i could bring the food over.. She rejected my idea, saying the boss might b dropping by, fine.. tis i understand. Then i asked her if she could stay out late tonight, she cant. She hav to get back right away coz her dad's angry n when i offered to send her back. She told me beta not at 1st. Then she snapped back when i asked her again, 'NO! i'l go back myself tonight, n u shld get goin..' i was lost wif words. stood ther for afew secs b4 i spoke, well.. tis feeling.. was a mixed feeling. i knw she wans me to listen to my mum n b a gd boy. Bt if i dun send her back tonight, it means the only time i can see her will b juz now n the next time is a wk later.. On top of that, she chased me away.. probably bcoz she didnt wan to discuss wat we were doing, n again, bcoz of weird appearance. i tot she had someting for me.. bt no.

That was wat i had waited 2 days to see, eagerly waiting n excitedly.. for her break to my heart.

It wasnt tat bad if i didnt consider her as my happiness, lik i get an unexplainable joy juz by seeing her, and wat she did for me afew days ago, those reli were nice. After wat she did, i asked her if she cared about my happiness? Yes, as a fren, n she cant giv me wat i wan as a gf, was wat she said. I told her many times i didnt care about if she doesnt lik me bcoz tis love i believe, is goin 2 b 1 sided bt i dun mind at all! i am goin 2 wait. Jac.. wat u did juz now reli tore my heart to piecies. After enduring so much in ns, my hands which i felt to cutting them away, n pride when insults flew, n having to cope wif loneliness, u added tis 1 in. The only ting that matters in life.. Seriously, i felt again life was meaningless juz now.. i side tracked to depression bt quickly pulled myself back.

Why do u hav to treat me lik tis..

Hanging by the moment.

2007-08-09T18:23:00.000+08:00

As i spoke wif jac on the train, she saw the dead layers of skin build up after many pull up repititions and asked me to let her see. She took my hand, faced it up n pulled the palm flat. Felt the thickness, the wound, the effort. And told me to do someting to remove it. Tat kind of love, i reli was hungry for more. When ever i held her close to me, kissed her n watch her go, she'l always stretch out her hand, lik a gesture to hold on n, u knw tis givs me hope.. Its lik how i dun wan u to go tat kind of feeling bt u hav to go. Jac i couldnt ask for more.. U automatically refitted my loose plaster even thou its kinda sick wif the dirt n stuff bt u din mind. That u adjusted afew times, made me felt lik letting the plaster loose so u could always refit it somemore.

Today u reli made my day Jac, i seriously am more into u jac, tis feeling inside me i can tel, is more firm than ever..

re alisa tion

2007-08-09T17:42:00.001+08:00

An rotten APPLE.

Tis blog has been bitten rotten by time and now its nothing bt lik a carcass.

Thats becoz time would not allow me to. Having to spend 5 1/2 days a wk in camp, i'm only out for 1 n a half days! Divide tis time proportionately btn home, frens (jac,mouse,ryl,jt,xingyan,syl,karen,sarah), rest, outing, leisure, packing, buyin. Thats wats left of it.

Well, juz to commence the renewal or rather start of my blog once again! yay...
Its national day we'r celebrating today and yest i spent the night at mouse place. It all happened before that.
Once i reached the pasir ris terminal, i excitedly called jac up..

'Hey, wher r u girls now?'
'Looking for a cab at smu ther..'
'Wat the hell are ur doin there?'
'The car crashed bt nvm la, it wasnt serious.'

Then i started probing, 'No, eh tel me wat happened?'
And she was tryin to avoid it, probably not wanting more troubles n again, not let me worry.
So i stopped. Tinking, its goin to b very disturbing if i go on, based on the circumstances..

Then suddenly she told me to put down alrdy, the rest are looking at an odd manner. Tis surge of anger shot right up at my god sister, i was, n i was blaming her for jac's decision. Y does it hav to b ryl always in the way. btn ryl n me, ryl's priority. i din lik that at all..

'Ok.'

Buddy told me if i'm nt goin, at least offer to go back wif her, lik make her knw u care. I knw jac knws i care, and tats y i knw she wun accept my offer bcoz 1stly i wun b ard, n 2ndly she has her fren's wif her. I'm lik an obstacle.. So i contemplate btn calling her n telling her or juz stfu. But i called.

She told me she's at mambo alrdy n put me right on 2nd line after answering. i cancelled the call, 'i dun tink it necessary.' She's obviously juz neglecting me. Its my book out day n is tis how i shld b treated? All u care now, i understand is the club tingy n wats goin ard ther.. There's no sympathy or even a single likelyhood u bothered. Then she sent me 2 msges, 'Am sry.'
I was reli frustrated.. 'Do u mean it at all or u juz wanted me to feel better?' If its the lather, i rather u keep it inside.'
Yes, LOVE, is understanding, slow n forgiving. 'I threw all the frustrations, the faults i felt she has faulted right at myself and tot, u knw how it feels lik there, mayb she's looking for her frens and feelin some peer pressure at tat point of time, its messy and crowded and everybody's in their own special world.' I re-enforced tat thought, 'ya.. it makes sense..' At tat point of recovering time, i trip over the ledge by the road, fell n threw myself forward. My palm lended 1st n the 1st 2 layers were torn, the pain was unbearable when i finally washed cold water over it. Arghhhh.. On top of tat, the blisters on my hands are alrdy killin me, y does all these hav to happen at once. I did wat i had to the wound n brushed it off.

'Alrit, i'l msg her later.. When ur clubbing, u dun pay much attention to the phone.'

So at 5+.. i msged her. We exchanged msges n finally, decided wat to do the next day. I made her tis mix berry pound cake wif yogurt. It was my 2nd time. the 1st was sampled by me myself n mouse. PASSED. So i went on wif jac's cake. Then before i left for lunch, i fitted the thin slices nicely into the container, poured the yogurt wif care n placed the blueberry n digestive biscuits toppings on. And into the fridge. DONE.

So am suppose 2 meet jac at 2. I set off earlier to bring her the cake, tinkin of droppin by her place 1st, bt she didnt wan me up bcoz of the mess, being the flexible me, i juz said ok lor.. then she came down to take the cake up.. I suppose she's goin 2 hav tat for dinner n i hope she likes it..

We 'CANT' go back..

2007-05-02T00:29:00.000+08:00

Yup! I'l do it.. Bend on it, stick to it.. My resolution.

It just came earlier on yest, 1 May. I was sitting in the pantry room at work, tinkin n pondering wats taking val so long to reply?

Its been a day, no lesser. Said she was bz.. n i replied that msg, stil the phone did not respond. I waited. waited n tot.. kept tinking.

enlightenment suddenly struck my head. Y was i waiting so much for her? i mean, am i that desperate for her msg? all i'l get is juz sry i was bz. Thats redundant. i dun need that kind of empathy.

So i sent her another, tellin her about its alrit if u din reply, anyway bout tis thurs, was wondering if u could make it. Then everything didnt sounded imp anymore. I remisence the girls accumulated at the back of my head, judy, joey, mel, val.. all these n mayb somemore that i wanted to patch back, n mayb ther will b a chance of reoccurance.

This tot juz disappeared. I tot about the taka girl immediately. Move on i told myself. Embrace urself for u hav waited tis long, juz go for it. bout the other girls, their 'past'. Their non-existance n u'l only put urself into shit by tryin 2 salvage matters. Yes i said. Am going to do it..

Mayb its the many things i hav to do that gave me courage. I'v got 2 get back the refugees pants, go settle score wif my poly lect, collect the robe for grad.. I hate these kind of things, unfinished business.. Yup, 1 less of it is waiting for val. Am not waitin for her msg anymore. Y shld i..

'Phantom of e opera', me alike.

2007-05-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

Lol.. Phantom of the opera was like the previous sunday, 22/4/07, bt am writing tat account now. Probably i picked up some new happy times, went to see val n toked wif joc.

Bout the play.

It was TERRIFIC. Excellent stage works that live u wondering how it is actually managed n by the time u'v figure it out, another amazing thing will yet to b displayed, n u'l nev get enough of it. So jus sit down, relax n enjoy. Effects, performance n it has life experiences like fire, the chandalier crashing, pretty afew more.. The singing was astonishing, exactly duplicated from the CD itself, the only bad thing was Christine wasnt pretty enuf, lol.. There i bought a keychain n a mug. The keychain was planned to b given to val for her bday, even thou she didnt rmber mine n hence not wishing me, i'l stil get her this just bcoz she loves 'Phantom of the Opera'.

Now about current affairs.

Simply, rocky.
that night i chatted wif val n it left me reli delighted, lik hope was everywher.. I msged her coz i didnt wan it to end, n she also had the same feelings.. But the following days got me frustrated.. Msges came days later n she didnt even call me when she was supposed too. Said it was too late n didnt wan to wake me up, its tis kind of things u see, that i end up argueing wif her. Calling is wat normal ppl will do coz the other party will definitely slp abit later, waiting for the phone call but nooo.. No calls. Nvm. i knw she's lik this thats y i didnt take it into consideration. Then the msges.. Always apologizing, admitting she's sry bcoz she was too bz wif her stuff.. JUST wat stuff? Msging is a simple n needless to say, non-time consuming thing to do, u got 2 take a whole day n reply the msg only the following? Its ridicules. I keep getting angry over all these, bt i also keep planning on comin out wif her. Everything is about her, her her, sacrifices.. Sometimes its just better to just give in. Thats wat all those guys ard her are doin also.. She has plenty of guys i knw, bt how can they b compared to my love n sacrifices for her? we'v known each other for YRS! Its just 1 fuked up matter about myself. Am beginning to feel impotent. I suck at this n all these efforts will go to waste coz in the end, she stil has so many guys under her feet n wat am i now? a shit.

Now this goes back to myself. There's nobody, nobody nobody nobody! Emo emo emo.. Am getting crazy wif all these nonsense. Jt's got ivy, staying happily n enjoying their sweet times at mouse's place. Mouse has got a god-sis, reli lovely n his getting to knw alot of girls. Syl has got a gf n tts his life. Me? Am stil trying other ways to chase val. hahahaha.. Does tis sound reli enlightening? I find life so thrilling, i do.

dvf#$2trbs4s2E@!

2007-04-19T00:55:00.000+08:00

Today.. Recently.. Dead..

I see the shades of green leaves turn brown.
They fell effortlessly to the bottem of the earth.
Withered, empty souls.
I see the ppl smiling ard me.
I see bliss,

HAPPINESS, LOVE, JOY, AIMLESS.

Thats ME...

Grey, Entertaining, Persisting, FAKE.

The world's crashing as he stood btn those waves.
Tearing apart all that he hav gained.
Leaving the helpless to hopeless despair,
ashes to ashes, to b rid n cursed.
this wretched being, his not worth a thing.

Am trying too hard. Way too hard. Y isnt it me, Y isnt everything happening to me?
Too the end all thats to b shared was given out, i recieved none, asif i'v fallen under some category n y muz this it b tis way, cfharactorizing, distributing, splitting every1..
Fair? Unfair?
Its fuked. Tis world's fuked. Its a fuked up world i hav been living in, n i dun reli see wat i could gain out of it. Wher am i goin? Wat am i doin this for? Am i beta off dead? Its suffering. suffering to live, suffering to hav to live n make amends, make sacrifices, make others happy, make tis world a beta place to live in.

Seriously..................

'Whats the point in life?'

A Terrfic DAY.

2007-04-06T00:04:00.000+08:00

Hoooooray!!

I was frontline today n i SOLD two shirts. DAMN! 1st was a 849, 2nd was a 509. Goodness.. Its such an experience to b engaging the customers n meeting, explaining and reading their demands.. Seriously, 3 cheers for frontline!

Actually, today would b considered 1 of those happy days. Like whoever passed by me in work will b waving, smiling, the whole world's happy that kind of ting? There's no worries, nothing in the air but happiness and i seriously love tis beautiful lady working in GA. Unmistakebly gorgeous, her smile gives me the shrill, kind of a melting machine. Though i was juz introduced by wendy once afew days ago, she waved asif she was so delighted to see me, n i was in fact quite far from wher she was standing, waving to the fact that even the staff in the shop also turned to look at who was it. I felt so wanted! ahhh... Roma as well, both of them are so nice laaa.. Today's a terrific day. definitely, bt a vice versa, i'l b prepared for the storm heading my way.

I decided, to justify my actions and wat i feel i shld do right now, is i shldnt b trying so hard to knw new girls, juz play steady n at the same time, take care of val. i sent a msg to shirley, i cant foresee the outcome, bt for now, jus as a close fren, as the way i took care of her b4.

Present past tense.

2007-03-25T22:16:00.000+08:00

Workaholic me.

Haven been determined ever in my life, choosing btn tossing myself out of bed n recuperating my inner self after yest's hard day.
Work out, jog and a morning reminisent of how active i was in sec sch. tt's becoz i haven failed 2.4 before, n wat was 2.4 actually? OMg.. now i'v fallen into their hands.

*Wishes.. Gota pass tis test now.. But am not sure if i wan to take it on wed or fri. pounder pounder..

Hows life?

Pretty interesting.. I lik the fact am working n earning $ for myself.
Still, i'v plans to giv up allowance n work myself way up, mayb drop a penny or 2 for house fees..
And i'v stayed twice at mouse buddy's place, it felt reli nice n comfortable la, lik a new kind of experience n i lik it.. Still i plan to stay ther for awhile after i quit my job in may, n tt's his holi as well.. So i b some kind of hindrance, haha..

I'v been quite into little leisures lik leg massage, reading calvin n hobbes, slping n resting.. Just give me a break that kind of ting?? haha.. Stil, i broke some record of not using the labby, its kinda amazing! I actually changed my hobby, i changed me.

But 1 ting left unchanged, my scout for the girl of my dreams.. Its quite straightforward i lik girls lik valarie, her looks, char n dressing.. She's amazing i knw, n she's not the 1 am looking for, i knw tat too. Surprisingly i'v stopped my connection from val, now am juz tryin not to bring her up. The memoirs we had are surpassing, i remember every single detail crystal clear, so definitely it'l disrupt my center of tots. Thinkin bout it, i actually wanted to write a review of watever happened, from the 1st time we met at the stadium to the times at her place, my place, when we were together, n finally that unforgettable night. That was the last straw. I'v given up her place.

Soooo.. Am juz waiting for tis wonderful n admirable girl to appear, tis time am quite certain i'l keep her properly. Giving up on Val b4 has been the biggest mistake of my life. No more reoccurance n pain n hurt n 'gone forever' that shit again.. Its also 1 of my bday wishes, lol!

The 22nd.

2007-03-17T01:07:00.000+08:00

Ahhh.. Happy birthday to me! Or rather belated. Didnt make it in time on the 16th march.

Anyway tis yr was spend goin sentosa wif unexpectedly, 2 of my friends ONLY.

Yea, rather relaxing day, whole day was w/out plan n we did wat we felt. So i came from mouse place tis morning, to pack my stuff n recieve a sudden call from Syl, asking me if i had any plans? Just nice, he went to the swimming pool nearby which is closed due to renovations, n mouse n myself are goin sentosa to tan.

Then we took a cab n trust me, i reli regretted that idea. Shldnt hav alighted at bishan to flag a cab, we would hav got there faster if we had taken the train. And when we got there, we tried out the new service they got ther, the TRAM! haha.. Got to siloso, took pics, sun tan, met 2 girls, slack n got back. So coincidencely Syl was looking for a phone to buy too.

The 2 of them stayed at Vivo while i carried on my way to cwp for my family dinner.

And during the dinner, i casually asked them if they were stil getting the phone for me? n my dad keep asking for compromises.. I mean, i volunteered to pay my own bills provided they get me the phone, if not i get the phone n they cont the bills.

I volunteered. Then my dad made it sound lik i had to pay it in the 1st place. So watever la.. I'l pay i'l pay..

And i juz came back from the movie 'Stomp The Yard'.

Pretty cool movie. Was expecting rather a simple n direct to the point plot but the show surprised me a little. It wasnt that simple afterall.. They hav nice music, cool moves n soul searchings. Worth watching n remembering.

Reciprocal , Unjust.

2007-03-13T22:07:00.000+08:00

Been so lowly, spendin all the hours standing, making tat bit of cash, n watching the ppl wif $ goin about. Status & cash, when everyone else are also fellow human. But tis MONEY moves the world ard. Life's unfair, get used to it.. Those richies, they enjoy n get everything they wan, they do wat they like n

Life's unfair, get used to it.

Spending my hrs standing, enduring the pain, serving, pleasing them jus to put that little $$ into my pocket.

Life's harsh, pathetic little beings.

Money moves the world ard. Those rich ass, doing wat they like, getting wat they wan. Of coz there are many many scenerios, for the more unfortunate 1's, they come from hardship.. Those lucky bastards, just enjoying the riches of wat life can offer..

Yea i understand. Wyn (supervisor) always tell me be satisfied wif ur life. U nev knw wat those ppl are suffering. Its true. But at least they get to have a taste of wat richness can offer bt we cant, n we die just like that. I cant say how much pain i, amongst the little 1's, are made to suffer.

Ahhhh.. The miseries in life.

Anyway i got my grade today, n it was hell of a fuked up. I got lik 2 Bs, 2 C+ n 1 D+.
My D+? was my fyp, which we got a gold award. Its not lik i fuking din do anything, i made sacrifices n even offered help, bt it was them who din need me, n y din i join them at the start? coz TOH (teacher-in-charge) put me into another project, n then he scraped it off w/out telling me. That was the 1st fuk move, now he gav me a D+, 2nd fuk move. Seriously i'v got the urge to kill him, bt i knw i wun, its juz those very full of hatred thing..

And our fund.
We were promised to get back every single cent we put in after the project is being done. It was done in dec n i haven got my cash back since yet. We trusted u u knw? we sacrificed, we unselfishly took out our $ n i stil got reprimanded by my mum for being slow n inefficient. We went back to TOH, n he did the 3rd fuked up move.. He said there was no evidence we put in $. lik wat the FUCK la, we handed the invoice directly to u, if u lost it or someting, watever u shld fuking say so.. rather then putting us out, stil having to go down personally to claim back our rightful $$.. U dun have the time u tink we do? So fuked up.

Anyway bout the results i got back today?
My mum reprimanded me, saying i shld hav put in more effort in studying rather then playing my computor games. Pls.. i was addicted in the 3rd yr, not the 1st 2.. Farthermore it was more of i din wan to study coz i only tot of getting it down rather then not studying.. But my dad surprised me today. He fought for me, telling me its ok.
I told him i got 2.1/4. Its juz a 1% pass..
And he said it was ok. At least i got a pass.
Then i told him i cant get into Uni.
N he replied wif at least its beta than my bro who doesnt even hav a cert.
Then awhile later after my bath, he came to me n asked if mummy wasnt happy..
Ya i said.
N comfortingly, he told me mummy's expectations are higher bt at least u pass ok..

Still recently, he kept asking about this phone i had in mind, suddenly i felt the love the close 1's are giving me. Its nice.

A rain & bow.

2007-03-09T23:51:00.000+08:00

Crawling under the skin, slowly tormenting.

Events start to expose itself to an unnecessary work of extraordinary time management, above all, the pain from my contary human partners.

The Wallet.
Heaven knws wat task they had for me. Fancy taking my wallet away from me when i needed it most, n giving me responsibilities, or u can call them tasks, to retrieve my lost items. And when everything is rdy.. They say, ok.. after u have emptied the box.. Put the items back. My wallet was returned.

Today, (9th of march, a friday)
I left home early for napfa, which i failed bcoz of my 2.4km. thats fuked, got to redo all bcoz of that, n make another trip down, bt nvm. i got to go down as well, to retrieve my password for my 1-napfa booking, 2-my results, 3-graduation.
After that, i alighted at Amiralty to make a police report so i could get my admin card replaced.
Next, i alighted at Sembawang to make my ezlink.
Then i headed down to lavender station to get my ic done. Ther, i told them the senerio n they treated it as a case of theft. So in all, it took lik 1hr plus..
I had nothin to do, n since i was so near to Judy's work place, i decided to drop by, mayb to play afew games of pool to see her standard. But it didnt happened, i was ther, yes i was.. Bt she cldnt play. Then she started to tell me bout other guys n watever ok? Am not interested.. thats ur problem, u leave it to urself to bother bout them. Since u nev listened to mine, y shld i carry on wif urs?

By then, i was reli bored, depressed, alone, all at 1 go. I felt at the moment 'Wats so interesting bout living?' Anyway, then a thought came to my mind.. Watch a movie alone. Tis was wat michelle suggested, n yea.. i was thinking of doing it in cwp.. So on my way there, mouse called. Ok.. We'r out again, finally somebody is here..

Leo's.
It started slowly with Judy having to give me the cold shoulder. Its lik i shld mean something to her, bt she would rather take leaves off or go out with other frens, that makes me feel unimportant. On another note, she's juz lik val. They give me tis out burst of emotional feelings but the funny thing is, we dun hav much to communicate about.

My problem with them is they lik tokin bout their own subjects, n they dun giv a heap about wat u try to say. Alrit, i take it to another level, i listen to wat they have to say n tok in terms of that, then again, their replies are monotanious. Its boring. When we msg, its boring too. No matter how hard i try to improve, giving in to them, toking about more interesting affairs regarding myself, or them.. It doesnt work.

Guys.
Then i go on to more basic stuff lik msging lionel, sms text him, msn text.. No response, lik wtf la.. Watever k.. All my other guy friends have lik DISAPPEARED. Only mouse is visible. Almost everyweek i see him twice, n its nice la.. Everytime we meet, we either go mutt's place or catch a movie or have dinner or even both. This is worth bringing up. For the rest, i'v got nothin to comment about. Just that, its my bday next wk, n mouse will surely b coming, as for Jt, Mutt, Syl, Ant, Tts.. Am not sure.

Bday.
Regarding that. I'v got to meet:
Sheryl.
Joey, Huimin, Heng.
Buds.
Valerie.
Karen mayb. (If u see this karen, dun get mad. Coz i din giv u anything last yr so u dun hav to *po fei ok?)
Optional: Judy, Marg.

Val.
Being the almost the most imp person in my life, ironically the 1 that disappointed me the most as well, might nt be able to make it. I doubt she even remembers coz she's so bz wif her stuf that she cant reply my msg, well done. Everything i plan, it always has to b wif her, am even willing to sacrifice my bday n celebrate the day b4 wif my fren. But the efforts seem to b ending in vain. She told me almost everyday next wk she'l b bz, so ya ok.. Its reli ok. I'v tot it over alrdy. I'l forget everything that ever happened in our past, if she doesnt turn up. Am very determined too.

Marg.
Its been almost half a yr ago she promised me tis birthday, she would do a gd 1 for me, to repay wat i did for her on her bday last yr. Bt due to the growing distance btn the both of us, i doubt, lik val.. She'l knw that next fri is actually my bday. Or mayb juz find out on that day n wish "Hey, happy birtyday bla bla bla.."

WHY, why is it so imp that am toking so much about it.
Why? Becoz it symbolizes sincerity, faith and love, that u remember about somebody's imp day n tis always brings a smile to anybody born on that day. Even if ur not close, a simple wish can bring happiness and even brighten the day. It isnt something to b taken lightly. On the whole, it shows who reli are the 1's who treasure u.

Isit gd or bad?

2007-02-24T01:19:00.000+08:00

It was Sha's birthday yest.
I left her a msg wishing her the best n quite surprisingly, she replied me.
It juz said ther 'thanks alot.' And i suddenly felt so close to her.
I muz have been daunted to speak to her after that incident, bt i juz tot i shld send her tis msg.
And so i did. Nothin will change if i dun do a damn thing.
Well, though she's attached, i stil felt gd.

The 'feeling of being tgt' is reoccuring n smacking right into my head.
Suddenly i felt cold. Not sick, not dreadful.
Sha's presence could not even salvage matters.
I feel alone. And it happens all the time when my brain paints a pic of val.
Those flashbacks; memories..

A thousand times i said, 'Dun tink about those girls, they'l come, u wait.'
Bt things are harder to do then said u see..

The last of 3A/11.

2007-01-26T22:02:00.000+08:00

Yup.. Have been seriously studying since the start of this week for the final exam, save afew slacking periods of phone/game/slp/msn and anime(Welcome to NHK). I SHLD stil be on time, haha.. Studying is so toughhhh, tinking about reading those stuf n having to re-remember them is so sickening, tiring and boring. Still, its much beta than working. I mean lik i reli wan to study n put in alot of effort, bt no matter how long i study, juz that bit of info is kept in my head n it makes me feel lik am wasting my time. eventually i still wan to study. I wan to read, i wan to b smart, i wan to have a brighter path, i wan to live beta, i wan leisure. To gain all these, its to study. Thats y eventually its still the books, the time i have to spend, the focus i have to keep. Its strenous..

Anyway yest we had our last csw lesson, and its lik our fairwell party lik that, n it ended off nicely. We all had to pair up wif somebody in class, n my partner was mole. So it was a telephone call n i was the receivor, making mole the caller. Then we started toking n the conversation was DAMN crappy.. Started off wif him mumbling, then we got to tis part when i was retrieving his particulars. I asked for his father's ic n acc no., then for the dad's name.. N he gave tis super cock name.. LIM BOON BOON. So i went ok.

BOON as in B O O N isit?
Yup! he replied.
So how do i contact u later on? I'v got to tok to my manager 1st.
Oh, u can get me at 995... ...
Ya, 995?
123456.
(Paused awhile) *Hmm.. I jotted down the numbers.
Erm, thats 9 numbers.
We stopped for a moment, n then we laughed! Reli lke laughed out loud.. Until we caught the teachers attention, then she stared at us. (*Wat the hell are u guys doin?) Go on, go on she said..

(Calmed down and continued)
Ok, my number is 995... ...
Ya 995?
12345.
Ok, let me repeat that. 9951 2345.
Yes, correct.
(End)

The laughter came so natural n we didnt expect it. Its lik those times u realize u did something funny n u laughed at the situation n urself.. Its reli so hilarous.. N the teacher chose to let the class listen to our work.. The whole class was laughing their heads out n they kept chanting, 'Thats 9 numbers." haha.. even the teacher had a tissue in her hands.. Thats y its sort of a nice fairwell party, our last lesson. 3A/11.

I do hope we can come out as a class sometime after our exams, or in the near future, whenever laa..

Stupid excuses..

2007-01-13T00:27:00.000+08:00

Things were going on smoothly, and we arranged to come out this fri, which is today. She has got work n am going to fetch her back from work, so its lik we'l have some time together that kind of thing.

Then i tot, mayb i could ask her over to my friends place to slp together, that will be lik how nice la, or even get her to come along tml's soccer match. At least spend time together in an unusal way.. its gona b quite cool, bt IF she's able to make it for both plans.. *Am crossing my fingers..

So today came and i msged her this morning to confirm about fetching her back later.

Me: 'Hey, so do u still wan me to fetch u back from work today?'
Val: 'Oh, i juz found out am not working today.'
Me: 'Oh ok, hmm.. then wat time will u b goin back n who'l b at home?
(I plan to rest at her place bcoz i haven been having enuf rest, n i clubbed the night before)
Val: 'Am not sure leh. Leaving sch about 2, yup.'

I was quite irritated la.. Like u dun mind me coming over, bt u juz keep telling me u duno who'l b at home, isnt it beta if u would final decision? since ur more familiar with who'l b home.. But nooo.. Anyway its always been her so i juz lik wasted 6 msges on confirming whether to go her place or not.'

Then she called me ard 2. Telling me she cant make it later..

Val :'Hey i cant make it later leh.'
Me: 'How come?'
Val: 'Am very tired.'
Me: 'You seriously cannot come out wif me? Coz am meeting my friends at 4, lik meet up for juz a while.'
Val: 'No.'
Me: 'How bout later?'
Val: 'Am goin to buy presents with my sec sch mates later.'
Me: 'Then after that?'
Val: 'Duno leh, my friends suggest to do a countdown for that friend, so it'l b past mid night.'
Me: 'Oh, then its ok la.. since ur friend's bday is once a yr kind of thing.'

But it wasnt ok. I had to find out u werent working, n stil wats suppose 2 b a date for us, ended up being cancelled. I really dun mind about the friend part, bt she could at least be more apologetic abit. She was lik am goin 2 buy presents, n wats with our date u promised me? Ur words mean nothing..

So i got over it after awhile. Then i hanged out wif jt n 2 other friends, caught a movie n went shopping wif them at vivo. While walking, it occured to me mayb after she count down wif tat friend, she could meet up wif me to stay over at 'shiyuan's ' place.. I got kind of excited, n so i called her..

Me: 'Eh val, wat are u doin? (Noisy sound at the back ground)'
Val: 'Oh, am at my violins lesson, u cannot hear the sound meh?'
(Excited was no longer there.)
Me: 'Oh, i'l call u back after the lessons.'

My mood at that point of time totally swang. U refused to meet me bcoz u said u were tired.. I din mind, n then u said ur goin 2 buy presents and THATS y i didnt mind about u not meeting me before 4, and now that i found out, you actually added this last mind violing lesson into ur schedule instead of coming out wif me. At that point of time i wonder how fragile our relationship was. What kind of relationship are we having? You actually placed a last min thing into our date which was suppose to and promised. I was damn disappointed. And all along you remain so calm..

Yea, i cannot say wat u did was wrong bcoz its ur life, n am not any1 that imp to you to make u change how shld react.. But wat i can say is your priority's are wrong.. If u choose to continue this way, ur goin to hurt somebody else in future. I really am upset, and i dont think its my fault for having think about you this way.

Stolen fame, honor, ALL! haha.. (FYP)

2007-01-07T02:31:00.000+08:00

What i got to say is fuck u right back! LOL..

I knw most of the members despise me, alittle or more.. Whatever.. I did my bit, i followed all ur orders without qns. But stil i get to face ur stupid sarcasm. Its ok, it is fated how things have to end out this way.

Today we had the closing ceremony for FYP. And our grp consist of 4 teams, in which there will b 4 leaders. 1 leader, sullivan, whom the whole team hates so much, didnt even came down, or we didnt even include him in the 1st place. So from the start, i represented my grp, yu his, n gab. Then on our way there, it was decided we have somebody represent sulli (An jing; DOG). Gab's the kind who cant live w/out Bq, becoz we're practically 'boring'. So i propossed to change ticks wif Bq, bcoz tat tick was really far away from the rest. Gab was so HAPPY! ok fine.. Am alrdy kinda isolated there, so wat about sitting alone?

I slept to past time, and as time really passed as the awards are being distributed, it soon was my turn. My row got up and soon, i was representing sulli, not quite, his grp.. But not there yet, THE WHOLE BAND! I STOLE AWAY THEIR FRUITS OF LABOUR N GAIN FAME ALL FOR MY OWN. When i was presented the cert, Yu ran down so fast n so eager to snatch it from me. 'Ok doggy, take it.' I walked down the aisle n passed the envelope to him, not a word of thanks, n lik i 'owed' him, he left. Fine.. After the whole ceremony, i saw nigel's face, he didnt even smiled at me. Then when hakym came out, he was goin hey u shld see yu man, n bcoz his sitting wif the bunch, he told me they were making noise. LOL.. At that point of time, all bt Bq, Hakym n i believe alittle in Junus, they didnt mind. The rest was WTF, how come it is Joel getting the honor. Alright, am doin u guys a favor, so at least thank me u assholes those who din..

But on the whole, revenge is always sweet. hehehe..

A night to remember

2007-01-07T01:19:00.000+08:00

What happened yesterday. Was lust, hurt then unforgettable.

Was sending her late home that night n i had everything prepared. I knw after sending her back, i'l hav no transport home, so i told Johnny i would b goin his place after sending her back.

That was when everything happened..

I walked her back home from the lrt, nothing unusal. Juz tat she bought this donut for me, n i jokingly told her if i could have it at her place. But i was alrdy prepared to have tat meal outside her place. So we went up to her place n she told me to wait outside her house. She was going in to tok to her mum. I was lik so shock la.. i told her don't! its ok and i can have it cold outside as well. Being the stubborn she, ignored watever i said n carried on walking into her house. I had no choice bt to wait outside..

Minutes later.. She came out and asked me to go in. I was shocked again la.. It was alrdy 12+am in the morning and having a guy at ur daughters place so late at night is not a gd thing. But anyway since i was offered to go in, i agreed. It isnt goin to take a long time to, since am meeting mouse ard 2am. I entered her place, took out my shoe, left my bag on the sofa n carried my hp's wif me. We heated the donuts up n then went into her room.

Her room's in the process of tidying up, so it was kinda messy, bt to me, it was fine.. I'v seen worst stuff and her room's not very bad too. So we ate donuts, had a casual tok, toking about her soft toys, her gifts.. and then we went on to more private stuff.. She told me Dave gave her a bouquet of flowers on christmas day.. Curious i was, i asked her y he gave her tat for.. And she said as a friend. 'Ok?' I replied tryin 2 sound pleased. And during all the chatting, Edwin (her ex) called several times, asking wat she was doin? y am i at her place and stuff.. Then she told me edwin has been doing this everyday, not giving her air to breathe. And from this, i finally understood y she went to dave's place. Its becoz she sort advice from him; something logical i came up with.

It is close to 1.45am now.

I got kinda tired, so i asked her as i lay down on the bed, 'Where do i slp with all these rubbish (soft toys) next to u?'
'Juz lie down on them', she said.
'No, i dont lie on shits.'
I layed down beside her. Arm's stretched out n she started to lie down also, with her head resting onto my arms. Love was in the air. She suddenly turn with her face facing toward me.. I was stunned, 'Why is she doing this?' Then i tot to myself, it might b a gd time to confess how i felt about her, since i really cant keep it in me any longer. Then i went on telling her how i felt ... ... 'Its up to you whether u wan to get into a r/s or not.'
'Not at this moment,' n she apologized..
'I've had enuf of r/s, i hate the feeling of being tied down, n having no space of my own.'
I thought to myself then, 'Will i be able to give her that?' Mayb not.. Am the kind who needs to knw, bt of coz i'l stil giv her space, as long she tels me who she's goin out wif.. I wont ask tings lik wat they tok about, wat they did lik how edwin interogated, that's crazy..
Anyway she told me she liked how we are now. I totally agreed.
'Fine', i told her, n then i got her to listen to 3 mcr songs. 'All i want for christmas is you', 'I dont love you' and 'mama'. I told her the 1st song is how i felt when u werent there for me during christmas, n whenever i was sad or feeling worst, i'l listen to the following 2 songs.. I even told her i din replied some of her msg on purpose, mainly becoz i wan to forget her, n prevent myself from getting hurt. But i still did confess in the end. It wasnt really a bad thing, at least am feeling more relaxed now.

*Yawnz.. i layed on her bed again.. Then as usual, she rested her head on my arms. But this time it was different. Our lips were so close, i had this urge to kiss her, and so i did. I went forward n placed my lips over hers. And all of a SUDDEN, we were kissing. She turned n got on my top.. I was taken aback. Her legs spread out n she rested on me. We were french kissing later. Kissed as we kissed somemore, i realized she was rubbing it against mine. It happened all too quick n the next thing i was with her. She kept asking if i was feeling it, i did felt abit, and so i said yea.. Then she sat up, pulled my body up against her as well n started to jerk. I was so into it i rubbed my hands over her butt and we hanged on there for a moment. Then she lay back onto her start position asif tired, and i spread my arms for her to lie on. And not long she started kissing me again. Her hand went down under and i told her dont, allow me to please u instead, juz for awhile.. Omg, i didnt knw y i did that too, bt my hand was down her pants the next, abit of rejection she had when my hand was on its way, bt she relented everntually. As quickly as it went in place, i took my hand out. I did lik i promised her la. Then we kissed for a really long time. I was suppose 2 meet mouse lik 2.15 n it was alrdy 2.30am. So i was lik 'hey val, i got to go..'

She ignored me n continued kissing. Her hands were all over me and i continued kissing n holding onto her. It was more than satisfying tat way. In the pass i all i wanted was to feel her every part of the body. But, seriously.. All i wanted now, was juz to kiss n love her. Not make love to her.. Suddenly i was so enlightened! Woah.. ok.. Then i kept pressing her i gtg.. 2.40am, 2.50am. And finally she said 1 last time. So we had our last kiss n i finally set off. I was really feeling great as we'r reli having fun and she is somebody i really adore. Then at the door, i bid 'Goodbye darling,' but it was weird how she replied, she told me 'Am not ur darling.' Then i juz said ok bye, n left. But when i met mouse under her block.. I started to feel lost. I kept thinking of all tat happened. How come she became lik tt, n she wasnt lik that in the past. She is so caste she wouldnt even let me touch her behind. But why now?

Awhile later, i recieve a msg from her.. 'Hey, am really sry for wat i did, sry i went overboard.' It was then i felt the sting.. I told her no worries n i understood. But i din actually! Watever tat happened, I cant make it up. 'Was it becoz she love me for it?' or 'she was using me?' more likely she was using, tt's y she's feeling guilty n apologizing isnt it? 'So she made use of my feelings.' I thought so.. Now i was deeply hurt.. I mean, 'The girl i loved so dearly, fooled wif my feelings? I never understood how this hurt felt until yesterday. Now am really lost, am feeling this hurt and i dun even feel lik asking her, muchless talk to her. i dont wan to not bring back that incident to her. As i much as i love her, i felt really guilty of taking advantage of her. i shldnt have done but stop her immediately, i thought she was in love wif me, n u knw when ppl in love get close, they get the urge to kiss n stuff, tt's y i..

sadness clouds my thoughts,
bury my concious now for i have known none.
Fallen prey to her mistake,
now bear the guilt till am done.

I really wan to knw if you really do love me, or the slightest bit at the corner back of ur heart for me.. What we did, was it love.. or folly.

But to look at things in the bright side.. I learnt something.. This could b how love felt.. I dun lust for sex or from touching her body. More of juz feeling her lik hugging n kissing for instance, those kind of moment are when we really are together, in a simple and nice way. I guess i found out something new and justifiable. I really do have something for her.

Isit it? Its not you, its me.

2007-01-03T01:49:00.000+08:00

I have been tryin, trying tryin and trying to keep her off my mind..

Been thinking ALOT about whether to get together or not but i still cant make up my mind!

I knw u do not qns about wat love does.. In like if u love her, u knw she's really different from the rest, and somebody worth chasing. This girl is really that somebody in my life.. Haven loved somebody over again, still she makes me go crazy and sometimes i really love her to bits, so crazily in love that kind of thing.

Ok, why sometimes? its because of the way we'r together, its weird! We dun have much to say to each other, n sometimes to the extend of cracking my brain juz to dig out a topic.. We dun tok on the phone, n even when we tok, there's nothin much to say, just a 5-10min chat n thats it. There's juz not many common topics.. But i LOVE her. I duno y when we dun even have much to say, bt when we'r together, we'r so close, we hug n kiss (not french la). If she's lik this to the other guys, i din ask. But 1 thing that lays buried in my heart, i cherish her.

I write sooooo many things about leaving her, about the pain she brings to me and how i hate it. BUT i stil LOVE her. I knw its fuking nuts, but i duno WHY! Why is it we dun hav much to say, we lik different things, hav different thinkings and we'r so close together. Mayb its the way i project myself towards her.. We say sweet stuf, n tok about many deary matters..

The reason tt's stopping me is if we'r ever together (which i cant wait), is that we'r goin to quarrel alot more times, definitely it happened before when we were officially together, n we only lasted for a wk.. The ideas are totally different! We dun give in. Both unreasonable and we dun even tok on the phone, there's no LOVE! And the reason y we'r happy always together is because we dun really bother bout each other's life, we juz love the company of each other, we both love that. So if we were to step into each others life again, THAT will happen. Thats the reason.. I dun wan that break up n hurt and pain again. But i love and want to be together wif her deeply. Its ironic. So darn ironic and it SUCKS!

I dislike her. For some reason, she's insensitive to others feelings and all she care is the lord above. She's willing to sacrifice anything juz for 'him' and tat includes many things, am sure family is not a prob, since to her, the lord is more imp then that. She gave up her off's for him and even after telling her how imp it was for me to meet her, she didnt care. I hate that mentality, bt how much i hate it, its not going to change anything. Thats y everytime she tok about it, i try to bear. The silly thing is i even gave in to her n go for her church stuff, its CRAZY.. Its lik i would do anything for her that kind of thing? I even went to city hall late at night juz to fetch her home after work.. Mayb all i want is for her to be happy. So i gave in, even those guys she's been hanging out wif, in the past i would juz fuk off n msg her lik a month later after the 'heat' simmers down. But i actually msged her a moment later, and I CANT BELIEVE IT. Its so not ME!

That's y am soooo CONFUSED. But i juz realized something, we really do have diff personality right? And the possibility of breaking will be lik 80%.
Hmm.. actually am damn confident she'l accept me right? haha.. Its because of the feeling she gives me everytime, its like she's alrdy mine.. She calls me by dear and stuff, am her 'husband' and we'r so damn close we could even slp with each other and it wouldnt b weird.
*Sigh.. But perhaps this is the way how things shld b, loving some1 yet i cant b together with her..

I hate this feeling.

All I Want For Christmas Is You, its you..

2007-01-01T16:11:00.000+08:00

OMG! I just discovered this song after scrolling through my song library, a CHRISTMAS SAD SONG! Thats kinda wat i need, but since its kinda late for a nick on msn, i'l leave it here for rememberence. A sad sad story, *sigh..
boo hoo hoo..

It is..

'All I Want For Christmas Is You.'

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever known
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you...

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't you make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you...
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click'
Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me si tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you

You...
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need - won't you pleasebring my baby to me...
Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking forI just want to see baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever you
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You...

All I want for Christmas is you baby

Blood diamonds. Lost diamonds.

2007-01-01T05:48:00.000+08:00

Things change so quickly don't they.. One moment things are going this way, and before u knew, it has actually gone away.

Kinda disappointed wif mel & val.

Its lik i hav always been wanting to go club wif mel, so i asked her the out on the eve of christmas and she said ok.. But juz on tat day alone, she told me she wun b able to make it, n so i said fine, bt y? And she had family dinner. Alrit, if its some excuse, it seem quite an understandable 1.. But on christmas itself, she went clubbing wif her friends. I mean, if she had intended to club wif me, she would hav called me down on christmas, sadly, nooo.. That mail really blew me, bt tinkin bout how she treated me as a friend..

Val's been working the whole dec, lik 5-6 days/wk. So she'l always find me during her off days and asking me to fetch her off from work. We always have great time together and we'r crazily close. But the funny thing is, we dun have much to say on sms, its funny how we click.. Alot of stuff came up n i suddenly grew so attached, i had thoughts of chasing her. I was confidently positive this would turn out well if i do ask her, but this confidence soon faded the next following wk.. I came to realize she's hanging out wif her 'friends', edwin her ex, dave n some other girl. Alrit, not tat am taking things to seriously.. But this 'friends' of her's are all twice her age pls. I only realized she has been hanging out at dave's place during christmas eve. Then the next day, lik 11+pm, i asked her wat she was doing? someting random.. And she told me again, she's goin over to dave's place to chill.. Ok? i asked her wat she did there tats so interesting? N she said drinking n chilling. And adding to tat, she said 2 days is nothin, she hav been doin it for lik a wk alrdy.. Lik wtf.. goin over somebody's place to drink n chill is not someting u always do right? I juz felt she's naive, bt i mean, its her choice of friends, i have no say in her life.. I swallowed tat chunk. Then again i found out this guy called bryan, who knew her at her work place, a customer. That night sending her back, he wanted to give her a gift, for no reason kind of thing la.. I was reli, i duno.. i din knw wat to say to her at tat moment.. i was practically stoning. She wanted to send me back, n then wait for tat bryan fellow to call, n then take a cab down to BukitBatok to meet him, then take a cab back.. Its lik wat a fuk plan la.. But again, its her life, i have NO say.
I used to b the kind who'l juz wait for the feelings to come back, then i'l take action.. But i actually asked her out on the new yrs eve.. i had a day's plan ahead for that alrdy. So i asked her on mon, n she told me she cant make it tis sunday, bcoz of some malay celebration thingy, then i asked her if she can take MC, coz its kinda imp date. So she said she'l try.. Ok? tues she took an off, but for wat? To attend some church dinner. ok, its ok.. Then she took ANOTHER off on thurs, some church stuff again.. So on sun she told me she cant make it. Precisely, u dun take 2 off's a wk n tink the boss will giv u a 3rd. Sure, church was imp, bt so was mine, i told her tat clearly, its an imp day n i reli wan to see u then. She disregarded my feelings, insensitive yet again. FORGET it la..

I wish to leave this forsaken memories behind n b decisicive. One of the closest girl friends doin this to me. Can they stil b considered close? Though they might not knw, bt they'v hurt me.

My happy ending.

2006-12-20T01:09:00.000+08:00

Mostly everything has been gotten over.. My project, my game, girls.. But badluck's stil befallen onto me la.. fuk tat.

Anyway i was surprised to see mel's mail today.. It said someting about losing her hp, n how to contact her n stuff.. BUT, i was more surprised to see the only PS sentence.. It was for me! She WANTS my house no n said stuf lik she'l b calling, well, she used to call once in a while when she cant get me on my mobile.. The thing is i felt so, lik she stil remembered n took me as a close friend la.. Man, am so delighted i gona hug her when we meet up soon.. Tt msg made me miss her instantly, lol..

Also today had kbox wif karen n lionel.. The more interesting thing was on the way n back from there.. SUPER heavy raining weather, n we were lik carrying newspaper's over our head in town.. Its ungraceful, bt its fun.. Coz u do things ppl dun do n tat is different, in other words, special.. Right, back to kbox.. How long has it been? months since i last stepped in there.. Super fun la, singing out lik hell, but dancing is stil beta.. I wana danceeeee.. Oh ya.. took some pics too, cool.. =) Realized my friendster is always wif those antique pics.. muz take some new 1's alrdy..

Finally its my mum's bday today, ok yesterday.. 19Dec.. Happy Bday Mum! Wish ur blessed wif great health, n no more pulling of the leg..

This is how i disappear

2006-12-12T21:21:00.000+08:00

Its lik so sudden, everything's crumbling.. All at ONCE.

Lets start wif my fyp report. So many missing chapters n am not sure of wat we reli hav now is the whole report. All the fuking TSO fault. He went to lose the Cd n look at all the shit we'r being put into. Report submission tml, if not every1 gets D. I reli dun giv a fuk anymore.. If tml i find out that we'r missing more then the 1st 6 chp's, then am juz goin to leave it at it is.. Seriously bite me, i dun care..

Next, more of personal la..

Its val n mel.. They hav been my closer girl friends, bt it seems lik their so away from me now.. Tried msging, bt no replies.. Mayb its my phone, n i hope so.. But there's no reason nt to reply me, well nothin happened in btn so tt's y they cant b avoiding me.. Its juz freaking annoying that their not replying at the time i need them most. And its always the case, when they need me, they come n i entertain, when its my turn, their away.. Its fuking irritating.. And that's y i nev care about any1 anymore, their all pain that's all.. there's no kindness in this world, its made tis way..

Now tis the fuking game. I finally realize y i was so mad. I spent 2weeks of training, everyday grinding honor, and for WAT? juz for the rank commander so to get my epic mount. At the start i could hav earned the 720g to pay for my riding skill, bt agreeing to a cheaper alternative, n a nicer mount, i chose to grind the honor.. And when i finally get to wat i wan.. They change the patch. This is unfair to me, n to those who are alike. So wat did i gain from the last 2wks of grinding? NOTHIN. I lost time wif my parents, made them angry, cancelled outing's wif my friends and resorted to lesser slping time all juz so i can get to commander. All for something, REGRETS. Regret not becoz of wat i did was wrong, bt wat BLIZZARD did to me, making wat i did all for nothin, tt's my regret. I was fuking pissed n lost. Then at the same time, my online friends are lik so helpful.. I couldnt join their Battleground raid bcoz of my slower mount, which i SHOULD b getting actually, n syl wun help me wif my 720g.. Seriously when feb4 come, am goin to stop. Fuking pissed, blizzard's lik this, n u guys are the same.

There's nothin to look forward now. Life's lik shit now when everything's tumbling.. Even their not msging, how bad can that get? And everyday i get the fuking report, n grp mates coming to me 'eh so hows the report? make sure u do a gd 1 k?' Everything we tok about now is report. We had been friends for 3yrs, n all we tok about now is report.. thanks alot.. When i come back juz to get my mind of the report, my game and those stuff come back..

Anyway tml i'l hav 2 hand up the report.. Tt's somethin freaking relieving la.. Then I'l b goin down to gym after the Mr Toh meeting at 3, surely get some scolding n embarrassment bt lik i alrdy said, bite me.. After tml, or rather the meeting, am juz gona put everything away n do something diff..

Its hard to keep pretending lik nothin happened.

Mi'sery

2006-12-10T06:46:00.000+08:00

Disaster..

FYP: Report has to be submitted next week, and it have to be in soft copy. Like WTF, TSO lost the latest copy and that means the old 1 is missing the 1st 6 topics of the full report. Wat now? next week is the submission date and we'v yet even started typing out the 3 topic from the hard copy. fuked.. Seriously i dont knw wat to do.. We tot of photo copying the 1st 6 topics, and then with the editted topics from the old cd(soft copy), hand up the whole report. BUT if it reli has to be in soft copy.. the 1st 6 topic is not lik a 1week ting, furthurmore its fuking tedious! I'l reli consider giving it up if tt's the case..

GAME: Ok, i was lik 6% away from my epic mount.. ALL the honor n scolding from parents n TIME (time that i can spend on my exam, n not ending up failin 2 out of 3), all juz so i can get my epic mount; GONE TO WASTE.

Yes i was 6% away.. that means, the next tues if i get enough honor, i can rank up from 11 to 12 n get my epic mount. BUT no. The FUKING NEW PATCH was introduced in the following week. There goes my epic mount. Actually can be bought using juz 8GOLD, now it cost SOOOOooo many marks, n marks=1st sentence (the honor, scolding n time) i can get them now.. bt it has been editted, no longer can i juz use it lik tt, i need to learn the skill.. That means from the start, i should hav started earning enough gold for my skill. Now am doin wat i shld hav done at the beginning, earn $.. That means i fuking hell wasted afew of my weeks, sacrifices and ALL the FUK! AM back to SQUARE ONE! I'v somehow lost interest in tis game alrdy.. The new patch is so diff and am not used to it. I hate the ppl in the guild and i hate the ppl i knw in the game. Somehow i feel this game will be given up upon. i duno.. Am reli confused.

CLUB: Today was a grp, 8 guys 1 girl.. So we went there late, n the queue was so long u knew

FYUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!! twice i tried to copy the draft so if the site hangs, i can reload it.. THIS IS FUKING IRRITATING, i feel lik throwing the whole lab top down the window.. FUK!!!

AM not writing anymore.. IDIOT!

I don't feel like dancing

2006-11-24T20:46:00.000+08:00

Wow.. 1st time every clubbing, lol.. SUPER great feeling cannn? haha.. All the girls, dancing, drinking, gathering and waiting, =P

I finally went in ard 11+. We met lik 8.45 at clark quey, n due to unforseen circumstances, or rather mis-communication, ended up rotting outside, standing amoungst the crowd n PERPSIRE lik crazyyy..

So when we got inside, the 1st ting we did was, 'Hey, lets go to the dance floor.'
4 of us, n 3 were noobs. So the only pro there was dancing, n its a SHE somemore la! Then i look at the way she dance n i knew at once she's a frequent. Bt if that was me n am wif 3 other noobs who dont dance, i'l look bloody hell retarded n moodless. So i started to sway wif the music.. Its soooo weird la! Lik, am so not used to it. Then i started to sway, stop, sway and stop again.. Damn, its getting no where.. And all of a sudden, 'STEP UP' came into my mind.. The previews had someting lik, 'believe in urself'. I started to reli dance wif the dance step from the show n previous dancing lessons i had.. Well, i didnt say i was a noob dancer, lol.. 'If u move it lik that..' kept playing in my mind, this is the 1st part of step up.. Then suddenly that girl hook up on me.. I was so nervous nervous! I tried maintainin my composure bt i lost the steps and the next ting i knew, i was moving to my own groove. I danced how i tot i would look gd n watever that came into my mind.. *I became 1 of the few reli dancing there. Yayyy! So proud of myself, lol..

I kept dancing my own groove n suddenly i felt this reli boring feeling.. lik, it isnt that nice.. And when i turned, i saw tat girl dancing.. It reminded me of wat happened juz now! YES.. I went over n asked her if she wanted 2 dance, 'Ok, sure' she replied.. Bt in the end, we didnt, because of the STUPID crowd.. So freaking crowded.. N toking bout crowd.. I happened to dance wif this unknown girl.. I was lik woah.. its my chance.. Bt the freaking grp of guys behind me stood so firm that am squashed la, practically juz sandwiched! Her back was facing me at that point in time n she kept moving back, i had lesser and lesser space to dance. I was 45degress from her back so i couldnt dance wif her, then i juz moved abit, swaying n till she left eventually.. *Sobs.

But the funny part was i saw Joanne Ting, Chiew ying and even serene! omg.. lol..

Right now.. I feet nothin about serene, nothin.. Mayb its bcoz of that time we went out, n on top of that, wat she wrote in her blog. She didnt say anyting negative about it, nothing reli.. Bt its juz 1 of those blogs she didnt hav much to comment upon. And thats bad. *sigh.. Anyway the gd ting is i don't like her anymore.

Aw.. My back hurts, n am so god damn tired la! Can even dose of by resting awhile infront of my com. Stil, we wanted to go Kbox tis morning, MAD! lucky Lionel said he got a sore throat, if not DIE.. Dead!

But damn shiok.. Gona go wif mel or some girls next time, learn from them more adout dancing, weeeeee! =P

Seren-ity

2006-11-19T01:45:00.000+08:00

Today's the day... Our 1st outing, no movie, no dinner, nothin planned. All walk and talk.

Had deidre coming in btn our day today.. Damn! She couldnt confirm wif serene until evening, so we sort of plan stuff only after 6. So we did nothin, nothin bt merely walking n moving about from 1 mall, to another, n another n another.. Juz talking.

The guardian wasnt showing anymore, or rather only at selected few theatres, bt they were all so far from us n its turning off. Then we carried on walking n i was thinking hard of wat we could do.. So i juz randomly told her i need a drink. Then i started lookin for places wif drinks, then i saw coffee bean.. But when i asked her, she said dun wan.. then i suggested carrefour, tat kind of shopping amuse her tt's y, n she said no.. then no no no.. So then i reli din knw wat n she then she surprised me by telling me she wans to go esplanade.. After awhile of thinking, i guess it was random for her to do tat too.. We got to esplanade in the end. Ther's reli nothin to do, n i dun understand y.. Then we chance upon tis choco shop n ended up ther..

Bt tis was the best time wif her..

Coz we sat facing each other, i started noticing her looks.. And at times, it reli appeared to me that she's just so attractive. I couldnt keep my eyes off her at times, bt bcoz she was telling me someting, so i took advantage of it.. if not it would b so obvious am startin to hav designs on her. Time juz passed ther n it was so unexpecting.. i mean, the time i spend ther wif her couldnt b bought by anyting.. I'v had so much fun juz by tokin wif her, n i reli mean toking.. Till now i cannot forget that look. Its look so innocent n demure n the atmosphere was so faint that she look juz perfect. My feelings twitched one time and i reli shld hav taken her photo then.. Its such such such a pity, damn..

Also i found out about someting. This guy she's been liking all along.. bt, am nt sure if she's still rooting for him.. tis alone is demoralizing. I asked myself if i reli liked her? Or was it more of wanting her? I thought i could only answer it wif the lather, bt i am missing her more now, n its bothering.. Am affected. If tis is temporary, i shldnt b feeling so bad, or it has always been lik that? I duno.. Bt 1 things for sure, i rely miss her. I wana tel her so much, bt on the other hand i dun wan to scare her.. Its hard to do so, bt i guess i dun hav an alternative.. =(

Subconciously

2006-11-15T12:10:00.000+08:00

Yes.. the exams are finally here, rejoice.. 2 more papers n its over.

haha.. Am feeling so glad about it when the 1st paper sucked, whats happening? and i juz did a quiz of the module am going to take later, intially i was quite confident, bt after the quiz.. i realized am going 2 suck badly again. That leaves 1 more paper, my friday paper.. Now i just wan to get it over and done with. Ther's totally no more mood. I cant seem to remember the things i learn n its floating ALL OVER my head. The information's abundant! Am so lost into it.. Damn right am lost.

Its 12.56pm now and my paper starts in 3.30. Wish me luck. Am going to deal wif it, weeee..

A bad day.

2006-11-11T14:47:00.000+08:00

It is such a joke that a 3rd yr student can nearly mistaken the dates for the mid semester test..

I really tot so it was the following week until Jt told me to check the sch mail, and so i went.. Crap! it rely is next wk.. And i haven even started my revision of BMD n i even planned to go out tat wed wif Serene.. ALL gone.

For a moment, i was wondering if the wed will b called off, since last wed, val called off the cooking on the very day, n karen told me to juz go cut our hair.. N ironically, it was cancelled by myself. So i postphoned all the dates, n i hope it wun end up horribly..

Back to study.
I was panicking for the 1st time.. I cannot keep up wif my revision bcoz i slacked too much, n my realization of exam next wk. No time to study, no time.. So i stayed up yest night, till bout 3plus studying. Yay! i managed to complete 1 chp, lol.. eh.. bt tis module is GAYness.. Its definitely not my field, i find no interest in it n mayb so, tt's y i feel lik a UNI student, taking up someting so profiled n when i completed the 1st chp, i felt enlightened. So am keeping up the study plan n lowering my goals. Furthurmore, i'v got to attend syl's party later on. Tonight, tml n mon will b study for BMD, n mon will hav an additional PHYSIO.

Some happenings for today..
My maid got sent off tis morning. Tis was the 1st time i ever felt the feeling of being stalked. she's always finding topics n chances just to tok to me, n finally, after that letter incident.. I became afraid. The letter soon got into the hands of my parents and after reading, my mum decided to send her off immediately. She was so scared she didnt slp the whole night yesterday. And my dad faced it calmly.. After reading the letters, he immediately asked me how i felt, picking that right tone, n then i told him i chose to ignore wat ever thats written on it, partly because i din understand the whole sentence, bt i could grasp the meaning of it because of the words used. I slept in my sisters room yesterday, n tt's y i got the motivation to stay up n study till 3am.

The 2nd incident was marg. It has been inside me for along long time.. I cancelled the 'meeting' where am suppose to hav dinner wif her, n get her to pass Judy someting. It was her reply that i could not forget.. Ther was someting i felt in it, its lik she was disappointed, n yet frustrated. But i chose to ignore tis feeling, n i didnt reply.. I was running away i knw..
So i finally got down to settle tis 'debt', i sent her tis msg yest n was waiting to see how she would reply tis morning.. Yes, i again was speechless.. She asked me y i was avoiding her? I didnt knw how 2 reply her. I was not only avoiding her, bt every1 else in fact. Am kinda lost now.. I'l reply her later on..

A night, a thousand tales.

2006-11-09T17:56:00.000+08:00

Today serene came to me, asking 'how come i haven been msging her.'

Damn right.. i haven been msging anybody else for the past wks or months. Bt not that i realise, i actually came online that day, 7th' last tues, looking for people to talk too. Initially it was kahmun whom i was hopping to see. We managed afew topics on monday night, though short, but it was enough to make me guilty at the fact i was neglecting her. So there, online i was on tues with not the person i was seeking, BUT another girl whom i hav slightly forgotten, or rather my intentions actually, that i'v forgotten..

I couldnt slp that night.

Our converstaions kept pouring back into my head. Its been such a long long time since i hav a reli 'LOL' conversation wif anyone. I just kept laughing as i teased her, n she was spontanius. That rekindled some flame. Alrit.. Then i was tinking whether to ask her out for a movie, mayb catch 'step up' or someting.. And ther she was, asking me if i had watched the guardian? I told her no.. She said it was interesting! *oooh.. i see a chance.
So i said: 'Eh serene, lets watch the guardian together, i love ashton kutcher..' i meant it, i reli loved him.. As in i love to watch those shows his in.
So she kinda put me down by telling me its a romantic show n she'l feel paiseh.. Then i did abit of wordplay n i managed to get her into watching the show wif me, ME ME ME!
-And so i flew..
After checking her schedule, it was arranged on the 15th of nov, next wed. Damn.. Its lik a wk away n anyting can crop up, even a day juz before e actual is possible. I was feeling really hopeful at that point in time, i wanted to tel her to confirm it, bt it would lik i am desperate n forcing her, WHICH might make her feel unez n tt's not, n nev my intention.. So i ended the confirmation wif her at that, next wed..

Finally i got to my bed, its time to reply all the msges, n ther! i found valerie.. woo, now wat is she up to? n then she gav me a reli wonderful idea; cooking dinner at my place tml? (which is 5th' yest). Now i was reli delighted n as astonished at the events that just occured. My mind was all about next wed more than tml, wat wil happen? wher is it goin to b? wat can i do for our 1st date? Then i settled for orchard. I managed to obtain that little info about her likings for flowers, n thru enuf, i plan to get her 1 on that day, at the point we meet. That will jump start the whole event, n i shal hav it as romantic as i can get it to be, things lik this are always wonderful. All these floated in my mind n it triggered the wild side of my creativity. I want tis night to be memorable. Then it jumped to valerie, bout tml.. wat will b done, n how much joy we will hav cooking our OWN dinner.. I couldnt wait. Then it switched from valerie back to serene.. I remembered chancing upon tis black necklace i saw at collage that day wif karen, it was someting i wanted 2 get for someone special, n i tot of serene. It seemed lik the more i thought about it, the worth buying it felt.. Because it looked lik a sun; its round yet beautiful and just lik a sun flower, and for a beauty lik herself. So the thoughts lingered for alittle while more, n i was aslp.

Family interferance.

2006-11-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

2months have passed.

Ever felt home was never lik how it was wif the presence of somebody? Am feeling it now.

This presence n rather an extra of the family, is my indonesian maid. I'v got lots, lots, lots n lots of unsatisfaction that i need to put it down, i cant hold it anymore..

To start things off, 'Morning Calls'. The previous maids hav always been wakin us up on, previous in since i was a child.. They never had a problem, bt tis maid, her calls suck, its always either half an hr later or an hr earlier.. Nev on time. And the way she wakes me up?

2 methods..

1. She pokes her index finger into ur shoulder n calls 'Wake up, wake up', and that finger keeps poking into ur flesh until u wake up, tt totally spoils ur day, n damn right she does knw how 2..

2. She places her index finger onto the back of my palm, n swivels from left to right, and right to left. I woke up bcoz it was too irritating.. It happened today again, n when i woke up, she asked me 'today got sch?' fuk u.. Since the 1st time she woke me up 30mins later, i told her nev to wake me up in the morning again.. n ther she is, 'Today got sch..?'

Not all.. Everyday ther is 3 meals. Breakfast, lunch n dinner.. right.. And everyday during each time, she'l ask me if i wanted the meal or not. that mkes it 3 times a day.. Before she eats, she'l come again to tel me 'eat'.. now its 6times. I dun mind u knw, bt after the 1st few breakfast; 1st, a fish burger wif raw fish fillet, 2nd, a bread that has been toasted so many times it became a rock, and pizza that is still cold.. I gav up.

She always wanted to replace my old maid in my heart, bt that can nev happen.. Not becoz she's new, bt she's trying too hard. She keeps findin opportunities to chat wif me, bt i hate it.. In the sense we cant communicate at all becoz of how she speaks. She bloody hell mix lik 3 languages in a sentence? malay, eng n chi.. To start things off, i dun understand malay.. And i always tried to speak n understand her, always asking her to repeat wat she say lik again? sorry? n the next thing she'l say, i duno or 'wo bu zhi dao'.. Fuk la, u dun understand n how u wan me 2 understand watever ur saying? i gav up again. Now i even ignore things she say. I knw she's asking me, bt i chose to carry on doing wat am doing, like she wasnt ther in the 1st place.
Mum told me to tok to her n not make her feel left out. i cant seriously.. She even invokes into my privacy, lik reading my msg, when i asked her 2 bring my hp to me after i worn my shoe. Another time was coming into the toilet to wash when am brushing my teeth. Its too much. Mayb am particular, bt its someting i hate..

N lastly, she writes me letter.. Now am so damn scared of her.. Lik i duno wat she's thinking.. Too recieve a letter n not understanding her intentions clearly, not 1 bt wif afew, is scary..

It nev will b replaced.

'H a t e ME

2006-10-17T21:46:00.000+08:00

Mother: Hi Justin! This is your mother it is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya. Take care honey, I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!

(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't loose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all thew things I didn't do for you
Hate me in way, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 3)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you do this to me?"

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

Children: If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me. I can't believe YOU ACTUALLY MISS ME....

Girl: Hey Justin! x12+

5 8 9 3

2006-10-10T22:24:00.000+08:00

Juz as i was about to let go, she came..

I decided to fuck care those gerls n b on my own.. I knw its alwys been on n off, finding gerls, giving up n the cycle continues bt i was giving it another chance, hoping someting will b different, but the results r always the same.. single, single, single.. friends told me to wait, wat gd to b in a r/s, u quarrel n unhappiness always bloom..

I dun care about tis unhappiness, ther is more sadness to none.. stoning eveytime, wow'ing at home, sch, gym, n those ger friends i got, i juz dun feel lik speaking to any of them.. serene made me all got up n sad.. mayb thers tis significant hope on her, tt's y am dwelling so deep. I'v turned down afew of my gerl's outing, n pushing it to a date that nev comes, and the reason was i din feel lik goin at all.. Am nt sure of tis change, or mayb its sch.. fyp, agenda tis week n tis term's slack.. to add on, the napfa tingy came in today, am simply running away from everyting, i knw, bt i dun wish to get started too, am so in the mood for lost.. The WORK is PILING. I'v always tot gymin might help me to forget stuff, thou they do, am stil as troubled.. Ther is juz to many work in sch, my leisure is compromised, ther is nothn bt com in my life.. N am forcing tis gerl ting into my life, juz to make myself difficult..

Actually i din knw i had so much unsettled matters, lol.. the fyp, agenda, tml's hw, outing, spending time wif family, wow wif frenz, sch work, napfa.. all these rumbling in my mind.. I tink i beta do the fyp tingy tml, at least someting, n slp early for today, hav a change in life basically.. everynight's 1-2a, slp n i feel so drained out..

Furthurmore judy asked me if i wanted work, n i told her no, then she asked me to accompany her.. i felt so bad rejecting her la, n valerie asked me to visit her either today or tml, i din go today, n i din wan to go tml either, bt i knw if i turn up, she'l b so damn happy.. I always do tis kind of tings juz to make them happy, bt it seems gerls lik bad boys to my kind.. i reli duno which line i shld stand on.. Now i juz wana turn back into that dao person, b more lik myself, maybe.. do all my work, n ya! y all of a sudden my gerls ask me out.. its so weird la, week after week. Then i wanted to go out wif mel tml, bt never did i expect her to get so mad at the nudge n *knock knock ting, she told me off n i was reli, reli, saddd.. bt i tot i disappointed her in the 1st place.. nvm, i guess i'l go tel her wat i plan bt its juz plan.. i'l b goin alone tml. damn am so slpy.. muz b the stupid bmd room also, crap..

I nev existed.

2006-10-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

Was picking up pieces of me the last few days. Thought the 1 thing i knew bout love, was.. Actions.

Fell through, all that i had done..
It sucks.
Life sucks.
Love no, compassionate with none.
Misery, is it there for me too feel?
Yes, taken to heal.
Capped inside, its rotting and oozing black liquid filled the surface of my heart.
Soon it'l be over..

*So i met somebody similar to marg..

I was rushing to class from T12 to T14 when i met her ther.. So i saw her wif her grp of friends n i somehow smiled to her, thou we duno each other well, bt we were from the same secondary sch.. It was then that i thought about y i smiled? that was unlike me.. So later that day, i got her msn n tt's how tings progressed.. (this as on the wed)

So i've got her num n we toked from 1+ till 3am on sat night. Then we cont. with msges the next day.. bt i cld tel she's someting lik marg, in the sense the way their replies are to me.. totally juz replying wat i say, then hw do i make them msg.. as in make her feel lik she wans to msg n not obligated. BUT, i read her blog n, it sounded lik i disrupted her life. Thou she didnt say it was a bad ting, bt naturally i wun feel too gd about it, actually, i tink i'v got tis little feeling about her, n that came naturally.. Anyway, she gives me tis uninterested feeling, am not sure if i shld carry on contacting her everyday, to bring us closer, OR msg her once in awhile, thou its slower n less efficiently, its safe.. I'v did the 2nd option wif marg, n it din work out quite well, so am experimenting the 1st option wif serene.

Then i got tis msg from her ' Y u always msg so much 1 ah?'
I was so taken aback, so i told her 'today its maintence for my game, i cant play, so i tot of u. N ur chasing me away..' Then she said she wans to stop the habit of msging alot per day.

Is it a hint? i guess not.. she told me she dun lik sensitive ppl. It doesnt sound obvious to her, bt it seems lik she's instigating someting, Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Its that hard 2 chase somebody.. FUK. Y do gerls always get the best tings, they wait n get hooked up upon, we wait n soon we'l b left on THAT shelf.

Whats left of me. nick lacey (listening now)

Right, i juz disappointed mel by turning down her movie request tml. Haiz... that muz hav hurt, i did feel it too, coz i'v nev turned any of her request down ever.. n bcoz i gave some stupid reason that jt n mole has got the 10 day trial, n they wanted me to play wif them.. I fuking made that up.. Its true bout the 10-day, bt actually i wanted to play as well, n that $7 is seven bucks closer to my hp.. Tt's how i lied to her.. I'v always did my best, try to be Mr nice guy n do anyting for any1, but am always taken granted off, to the extend i can b replaced.. Is this wat am called upon for?
To be summoned upon request?
Wher's my pride?
What is my status?
I guess am getting off track, am confused.. But 1 ting is true, i cheated on her.. So tis is how it feels when ppl cheats on me.. It hurts, bt it wun b lik how am feeling now.. it will nev..

*Am living in a nobody's world. Isolated, redundant, unnecessary n more.. i nev existed.

Slumber.

2006-09-25T00:27:00.000+08:00

*MOODLESS.

Hung onto that rejection n i pretended like nothing happened at all, its ok, its not meant to be; together with anyone.

There came another blow.. I came back that day n i saw my daddy carrying a different phone. So i looked at his other phones, they were all on the table.. 'So wat was that, that his carrying in his hands?' N as i drew closer to the object, my dad told me it was a new phone, the dopod 838pro.. My heart sank. It was the phone i so desperately wan, wan to have n i was even suggesting to work on the last 4days b4 my sch starts, i din though.. Bt i alrdy planned to save using my allowance. There he was persuading me if i needed such a phone, too ex n stuff.. Tata, its hereeeee.. I was.. disappointed. I alrdy couldnt manage tis anymore, the torment am goin thru, the sorrow..

Then i had to keep persuading, forcing my friends to play WOW, telling them day after day, anyting's about WOW. Y? Coz i reli tink its a nice game n we shld play it together. So i found out all the time they were giving me excuses.. My feelings, 'If u dun wan to play, juz freaking say so ok?' U dun waste my precious time, n effort n myself, as i keep toking bout WOW..

There is no 1 else to speak too, isolation i shld turn back into..

Family, friends n her..

I tel myself to stand up, stand up stand up! bt i cant.. the moment i step home, i get demoralized.. I dun wan 2 tok 2 any1 especially my daddy anymore, i dun wish to go breakfast anymore, i dun wish to stay at home anymore.. All i do at home now, is WOW. Nobody, nobody.. nobody, nobody..

Alone.

Love is no more,
A fake front for all.
Tired of attempts,
Dead as it ends.

1st day at her place

2006-09-19T20:30:00.000+08:00

Yesterday we planned to hav breakfast at her place.. It was confirmed.. So i brought along the puzzle wrapped up, frame, n 2 mac donald breakfast meal. So we had our meal, n spend some time together, as friends, or rather 'buddy' as we toked about..

That breakfast was splendid, mayb its been sometime since i last ate mac's breakfast set, n furthurmore, its the 1st time at her place.. so it had a diff impact on me. So we threw away the junk, washed hands n ther the exciting part came.. I asked her to open it up, n being a smart alec wannabe.. she told me i had numbers written on the back of the puzzle, so she could complete it easily.. I told her 'No, open it up n u'l see.. Ur wrong tis time.'
I stared at her as she slowly isolated the box, she looked so beautiful.. N she was shocked, 'How did u do tis?' The completed puzzle was splitted into 5 equal parts. I told her it was a secret.. 'Dun b dumb' was her reply.. N it wasnt anyting? juz that i splitted the ting n she cldnt believe the pieces could bind together so tightly w/out glue..

Some of the pieces fell apart, bt it wasnt bad afterall since present shld b done perfectly? She pieced the pieces to the completed parts, n finally, calling it her own work.. tt was my aim, to let her hav the satisfaction of fixing a puzzle n completing it. So for the 1st time, 2 noobs tried to fit the frame in. We did a fair job of applying glue on top of the puzzle itself, which we were surprised it was always the case, n then we waited for the ting to dry.. So she showed me ard her study room, n it was rather interesting, their table was splitted into 3 parts, whereas here, me n my siblings juz shared wat ever space we had. We then passed time by watching tis VCD i brought along.. N voila.. The puzzle is done.. Fitted nicely into the frame n yea, tt's wher the plan stoppes.. So its up to her wat she wans to do wif it.. Bt i was glad she loved it.

Afterall, i felt we were stil as close, or mayb closer.. As for couple wise? i bet its stil a mile away, or mayb forever..

Celebrated. Confession. Confused.

2006-09-19T01:41:00.000+08:00

Celebrated.

Spend our afternoon hanging out in MS, n watching a movie(Devil wear prada).. Then we slacked at esplanade library wher she told me a million tings, that was interesting.. n then we visited funan IT mall, coz she doesnt knw wher it was n she has to get ther tis week..

Wat i was shock was, she knew i was goin 2 giv her breakfast when i told her about meeting tml morning, n she even guessed my gift for her was a puzzle, how? i asked her on the monday tis week, wat she would lik to eat for breakfast.. n, i ever took her b4 to a puzzle shop, stil.. i gav her a hint when she asked me wat i was doing, so i said someting.. the next ting i know, she knew wat it was. So i told her ther is goin 2 b a surprise for her, actually many surprises, she only guessed afew of them.. I took her to chjimes, she didnt guessed it.. stil, it was her 1st time ther.. then we had dinner which cost up to $90.21, n i sent her home.. Then i told her bout goin her place tml morning, delievering hotcakes, we had a small debate whether i shld go n i won, haha.. So the most surprising part has come.. I left her a letter inside, n it wrote i love you. It wasnt plan to b so rushed, i did wan to tel her during our dinner, or at her void deck.. then i skipped the dinner 1, n decided to tel her at the void deck, bt crap.. ther were seriously so many ppl, then 1 lift came n left, so we when the 2nd 1 came, i didnt wan 2 hold her back, bt then again, i was pondering whether i shld keep that letter, without knowing, i didnt hold her back.. So tt option was over. then i msged her n we toked later tonight..

Confession.

'It might b juz a fling', 'am not the kind of gerl u'l lik', 'promised her friends she didnt wan a bf'.. Those r the things she said. I wasnt reli sure of myself, lik.. its true i like her, bt.. not in crazily in love wif her. tt's y i couldnt defend myself when she said it was a fling.. secondly, i am pretty sure she's some1 i'l lik, bcoz not only do i remember almost anyting she say, bt her actions affect me alot, in tis case, am sensitive to her actions.. Lastly, i understand how it would b lik if she suddenly hav a bf n all her frens will judge her words in future. Bt, as i told her, tings change, its not fair to her n myself, tis is if she reli wans to b wif me, other than tt, it stands..

So we discussed n i reli didnt wan to tel her oh, ok.. i fought, n i fought hard 2 change her concept, bt i understand its difficult, she suddenly knew some1 loved her, n the next ting, he wans to b her bf, i knw its hard 2 accept.. furthurmore she said she loses interest easily, tts y she didnt wan to try, bt i told her ther is no result if u dun try at all.. So it comes back to whether i reli mean it when i tel her to love me. Though deep down in my heart, i knw its quite vague.. bt, i believe she means someting to me.. So we ended off wif if she ever changes her mind, tel me.. i'l wait for her. bt of coz not forever.. she knws that too..

Actually, it doesnt make any diff, i guess even if its a yr later, i'l stil b the same old steadless, loner me, JT said it is kickless if we ever wan 2 find a stead.. If it was kickless, i wouldnt b lookin for 1 now, 3 n a half yrs of waiting.. wait, wait, wait.. wait.. wait.. wait..

Anyway i knew i was right about judy, she reli couldnt keep secrets afterall.. Everyting ard me is disappointing.

pretendence, bt not negligence

2006-09-16T00:37:00.000+08:00

So its discussion today.. whether its wkend or next wk.

At the beginning, it was for my sake, about my weekends being spent wif family. So she told me we could make it next mon if possible, then i replied wif 1 day wif them is ok.. besides, she told me push the celebration to mayb tis wkend.. so i took it for real.

2nd msg came..
She might not b able to make it, coz of some matters n i only knew of them after i spoke to her on msn. Sat she has plans to go support her fren at the superstar whilst sun, to buy her hp wif daddy.. Then it reminded me of this past incident at topshop, wher she told me i dun hav 2 stay wif her, when i told her it was alrit, i dun hav much to see, she told me i din get the point.. Is ther a need to beat ard the bush? besides, tis little ting lead to how she tinks of me in her life.. so unimportant.

3rdly, postphoning this date..
From wed, she pushed it to tis wkend coz of the funeral procedures, n on her bday itself, she went clubbing.. then wkends r shifted to mon n it doesnt seem at all necessary afterall. After all my efforts, my plans n when she asked me wat will we b doin? wher wil we b goin? suddenly i was dumbfounded, tis plan actually has no substance at all, its a sucky plan, everyting i planned for her isnt goin 2 b wat i promised; i wanted tis time to b different.. No that isnt goin 2 happen.

BUT

I pretended.. pretended to sound so natural when i told her everyting's plan, n its a secret.. deep inside it was lies. i lied to myself, she cancelled the date coz of the funeral n ther she was clubbing, tt didnt feel gd to me, bt am nt sure if i told her night is ok, n anyway, it is stil her life, how she wan to spend her day.. So i concealed the fact i was reli jealous, disturbed, unsatisfied, unimportant, yes.. unimportants' reli hurting.. how tis date was postphoned over n over..

*sighs..
It was suppose to b someting.. yet, nothin seems to b the beta alternative.

So i took up courage n told her monday is fine.. we arranged n, shld b catching a movie, dine at chjimes, present(e last jigsaw piece n a letter).. Then, i'l pass her the present the next morning. It consist of the whole puzzle broken down into 5 sections placed inside the box, n the whole frame.. i tink no breakfast tis time, both of my hands will b tied.. bt we'l go for breakfast..

i do hope i'l b ther when she open the puzzle, n together, place it into the frame.

today's payoff, unsettled.

2006-09-12T00:48:00.000+08:00

YES, The PUZZLE Is DONE!

I manage to complete it after spending the entire day today, fixing n matching, toss n turning, breaks n snacks.. tada! done done done.. weee! n i'v got afew snap shots of them, these shld b proof n evidence of my efforts, nt only to show, bt rather the process of completion, which i feel weighs more then the outcome.. now i can look back upon these photos at a later day.

Un-settled..

Today i mourn the lost of marg's grandpa, who passed away afew days ago.. Now the plan is secondary, after all, marg's happiness is most imp.. The date/celebration was postphoned to tis weekend; she had to attend the funeral on her bday itself, how ironic.. bt anyway it wun feel gd for her to celebrate her bday while having her thoughts of grandpa inside, besides, she told me she din get to see grandpa n that he was also waiting for her, tt is misery another level.. So gladly i accepted the change, n i tink i'l push forward the breakfast ting n the present to the day itself..

Get her address, take a cab n bring breakfast to her place, then we.. hmm, bt it will b reli weird coz her grandpa passed not too long ago, guess i'l hav to work on the breakfast plan.. then we'l go down probably to esplanade(try to book a play), or to the olden days, catch a movie.. Then dinner at la cave wine bar n then hmm, i cant wish her happy bday on the 12am dot, crap.. tis sucks.. but ther is nothin else i can do, wat happened is such.. wooo, n also i'l pass her the box wif the last piece inside..

*Hope u'l like wat i planned for u marg..

elucidate

2006-09-09T01:29:00.000+08:00

Puzzle..

It shldnt b a prob completing it by 13.. well, its my 1st attempt n i din knw it was so difficult can?? i'v tot alot of times to do other tings or mayb get help from others.. then, at the thought of the coming date line, i became terror-strikened. Thus most of the time spent tis holi, in conjuction wif effort is placed on the puzzle itself.. And i want tis puzzle to b done myself, i mean, puzzle's all about effort n if i cant reckon that fact, it is pointless.. I'v completed the 4 char's n currently working on the background itself, it shld b able meet target! n yes it will..

I drowned myself wif qns n debated over wat the reason was behind all these..

It seems, feelings get amplified regarding her.. i dwell on her reactions for way too long, and i mind about little things she do, her reactions, her thoughts.. It sparks off matters n i find it hard 2 control myself, those abrupt feelings.. If she was some1 normal, i wouldnt hav even started about making any plans, am nt someone who bothers much about bday n i dun giv presents, bt tis time is different.. She told me of how uninterested n normal her bday celebrations were, n deep within myself, i found an unexplainable feeling; i wan her to be happy.. i noticed e way she laughs, her funny actions.. they are adorable! i also remember every single detail she tels me, it juz registers even w/out me wanting to, but tis details isnt large to any extend, i feel she's holding back, bt its ok, am nothing to her..Another reason y she's different, after all our 'dates' together, i'l get her to call me, n hahaha.. tat was corny, bt yea.. tis routine started wif her, n only after any date wif her, i'l b waiting for her call..

For some reason, am slowly falling for her ..

ponder, unlik those times

2006-09-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

Ponder under tis night sky,
the stars shine on thy..
Is it meant to be?
Then y is it so difficult for me..

Told u that day, i would prefer it to b on the 13, coz i wanted 14th to b a day out wif ur friends.. On the 13th, after all the celebration i'v planned for u, on the 12 o'clock sharp, i would wish u happy bday n present u ur present.. the only piece to complete the puzzle. Then i'l hav it delivered personally to ur doorstep the next morning wif breakfast.. All this juz so to head start a joyous n unforgettable bday, bt..

You told me.. its either 13 or 15th, since u cant make it on the 14th, cant make it on 13th coz u made ur fren promise to accompany you 2 buy hp.. N if it cant b these days then make it another day, besides its juz an outing.. jus an outing..

I wonder.. wonder.. wonder..
All these preparations.. efforts..
Wat is it reli for?
did i reli loved her? would tis juz b all for a fren? Y go thru so much?

ther is someting deep in me, i tink its depression, no, it isnt so serious.. bt, i do feel sad. As i hear the sound tracks of FSN, it gets beta coz they r all sad.. They r sad tt's y i feel it.. Anyway, tt show's reli sad.. y is ther the after sad effect, its making it harder for me to get about..

M e l

2006-08-16T16:43:00.000+08:00

I missssssss herrrrrr..

My 2nd resolve..

2006-08-09T01:50:00.000+08:00

As i looked at her on the train juz now, i realize how wonderful that sight might b.. It didnt occured to me she might mean some1 to me. Am not sure, bt 1 ting i knw, she's becoming more attractive day by day.. Friends told me, 'yes go after her' bt i told them no.

Why? i stil cannot get other gerls off her.. Other more appealing in terms of figure n looks. They juz seems more appealing, much beta to hav.. So i sometimes tel myself tis is physical appearance n more important is wats kept internally. Then as time goes by, tis feeling dissipated; Her acceptance seems critical or, rather significant.

Ther is no feelings involved, bt it reli startled me about the many many tings i plan to do for her.. The tots juz spark off like that. I wanted her to hav someting diff for her bday tis yr, she told me today how she got over her bday, wif frenz meeting up for meals and a family who rarely celebrates or even bothers.. And after being wif her, i juz wan her to feel happy.. Am going to surprise her on her bday wif my plan. I also told her to leave out the bday for me, n she was so touched! omg.. bt so was i when she told me she was grateful; i felt happy..

Then am goin 2 make her tis 1000 piece puzzle, mayb go esplande to watch someting rather than a movie we can do anytime, n then either to la cave winebar for codfish or the cable car dinner at fort canning hill. Then i'l deliver her the puzzle tml morning wif breakfast, prop macdonald's.. hahaa.. i tink tis shld b enuf to reli make her gan dong rit?? Then again, i plan 2 do celebrate the day b her bday, then on her bday itself, pass her the puzzle, isnt it beta? that will reli kick start her bday, yup! i tink am goin for the day b4..

Also she said juz now, all the guys she lik or likes her, are all those who plays n r not gd up ther.. Bt am goin 2 proof her wrong, am goin 2 study so well tis time round to prove to her that it isnt true, tt's my new resolve.. 'no it isnt true about wat u say..'

I dun care about her other guys anymore, although i get rather distracted, bt tis is all jealousy.. i shldnt consider it a part of me. So wat if she got short legs, or she isnt very pretty?

-i tink am beginning to see tings differently alrdy..

b & g

2006-08-09T01:36:00.000+08:00

Juz pondering.. i'v seen gerls lik myself, we all tink we'r gd looking, or at least attractable.. N all the dao and action attitude, not bothering n stuff.. Bt deep inside, i feel we all wan 2 b recognise. And tt's not all.. we aint that bad ppl too.. I may seem some1 not ez n hard 2 tok too, bt actually i tink am rather noisy.. My frenz too, either guy or gal, they seem strangers that r hard 2 get along with, and it isnt true..

-So the moral of the story, dun action lik some big shot.. And for those who wan 2 knw, juz go ahead.

i tink i'v seen tangxin juz now, wat a dumb ass, smoking and the way she look so action la, i tot if it was her, so i took another glance and ther she went, 'pretty pretty'.. i saw her looking over after those few glance, bt not sure if she realized who i might b la, and i mayb mistaken.. Y so action!!!! Clearify tml, bt my bet is 75% la.. lol.

When i was about to give up upon..

2006-07-09T03:22:00.000+08:00

You brought it back.

Wat happened in a spec of time? An acute reaction; i was jolted by ur sudden incident of suicide.

It's the 2nd time alrdy and stil i was unconcious of watever occured to u, and yes.. again i needed u to remind me. I was feeling so weak, so bad n so unconcerned when u told me about it.. Its nt true that i'v forgotten about u, bt juz i wasnt physically ther with you.. I truely am worried. I guess amg all my gal friends ther are only 3 of u currently that am really concerned off, huihui, mel n shibby..

It happened so long ago that i was single that i started to develop feelings for friends, tis feeling came unknowingly and its only targeted to lest a few of everybody in my life. I nev cared.. i am selfish, reli selfish.. I am stubborn, i am so lazy and dumb and watever. Yes, so sometimes i wonder wat is reli gd about me..

Life has been normal, studying, gaming, keeping in contact wif my friends, bt wats most deteriorating is at home.. Spent so much of my parents $ tis week, Y! n argue, late nights, un-sensible and am just nt lik myself. Wasting my life out n i even did badly for my exams.. it was suppose 2 b a distinction for all 3, in the end, 1 FAILED, another barely passed and not even 1 distinction at all, at all.. Dont feel bad? ya.. dun. So am goin 2 carry on getting wasted. When will i wake up? i find tis ting reli thru, that my kind of horoscope? i need motivation, tis form of power can b reli reli strong, bt it only comes wif love.. Wher's that love?

Now my current priorities are..

-Do well in my studies.

-Find a girl friend.

-Stop slacking, stop gaming and stop spending.

But..
Wat is the feeling of loving some one?
how do u describe it?
wat does it look lik n wat must i do to see?

Sometimes i wonder if everyting was predestined. Lik god make it tis way; you wun hav any girl friends, ur born stupid and ur spoiled, n that is someting difficult to get through. Then u did ur studies n u overcame love, learnt to lead life normally, and u did prayers so it seems lik these problems un-ther anymore. Bt wat is reality? Ur stil the SAME, stupid, alone n spoiled! So watever u do, it doesnt matter coz tings wun change.. So we wait, n tt's wat destiny sounds lik, wat u'l become in the end. CAUSE hardwork doesnt pay sometimes..

'Being alone in tis world, i care for those i see.
How else will it go when am sad, alone and in need?
Times just passed, and i laid myself open.
Open to those, infest my hearts' wounds will be suppressed.
Alone my feelings shall falter, a window closed state.
The only thing left,
my care and concern for them will never fade.'

Fallen so deep, i see, no feel

2006-06-22T03:11:00.000+08:00

Woopsie.. feels funny being here again.

much has happened, day by day, part n parcels of life.. Still i see, no determination to study and all i'v done which is to study twice tis week. Current goals are Driving, Exams, Games, Friends and family. I guess i am sick? when everything must be done properly, evenly, nicely and perfectly, u can call that perfection and yes.. i think that word suits me, but before wat i am, laziness is the most influential. It rules n control.. Now i am stuck in it, am tryin really hard 2 get out. Even skipped my gym today, and its my usual schedule since 2months ago.. Crap has gotten into me and i feel very much wasted. They say love motivates ppl like me, ther is no love.. No love to push, no force to push me to study. I knw jolly well my exams r next week, i knw i'v got my fyp.. Bt there is no sense of urgency, nothing. Am going to get all depressed, saddened, demoralized n everyting when my results come, bt am nt doing anyting.. No motivation, wasted..

Lost some money in my world cup pleasure n it aint no pleasure now that am indepted to more ppl. This sucks, n am goin 2 stop when i've cleared everyting.. tt's wat i tell myself now, as for the future, i'l bet the most 10 on sgpools, no more.

Actually i managed to stop my games recently, am impressed.. how? my labby cldnt do reformatting n i was so pissed off i packed it away into its bag. Then i stop comin online for awhile, till today.. Saw tangxin changed her nick to 'joel... i will treasure you.' and i was so, so happy n wats tt called? delighted or mayb loved.. yes.. love would sound perfect.. But tis love for a friend, its a feeling of importance and it made me feel am being thought of. That am needed and that am different! y me out of all her other friends? yes.. its a marvelous feeling.. bt if xiaohui was reading tis, i wan her to knw that she is lik me to my friend; 'i treasure her..'

*Pray to change. I cant manage depression, reli..

So sickk..

2006-04-23T23:13:00.000+08:00

U see.. there's tis gal friend of mine, melissa? yea.. we always wanted to meet up. or rather u can say i always wanted to meet up wif her. We arrange, n arrange n arrange.. No matter how many times she said she missed me and we got a date fixed. It always turn out the other way.. last min call off n stuf. The last straw was last friday(21 April 2006).

We arranged and finally, were suppose to meet on that fri, i had to decide whether to go for my friends party, no ordinary friends, bt my poly friends who hav been wif me for the last 2yrs bt seperated coz we majored into diff courses.. N then i turned down my fyp leader, telling him i got someting urgent on the sat coz i was suppose 2 stay over her place. I carried my notebook around that day, n on top of that, a PS2 console which my fren needs from me. Trust me, it was reli tiring.. then i met my fren for a cd to install something for her com n he din bring it.. So i ended up goin back home, carrying along my heavy bag n goin down orchard to meet my fren, then later on to her place. While i was at orchard, e plan was cancelled. I wasnt surprised actually, bt rather disappointed in the way tings were, always being called off.. It felt irritating for the start, bt nw am feeling much beta, lik.. at least i knw someting now onwards.. In the end, i met my fren for the party ting..

Actually, it feels so much beta to b writing all these down, lik.. Look, the pressure is gone! i muz hav been so sick about it, n other things adding onto it. Bt afew things that r turning tings ard are my movie today? gym/dinner wif mar on wed? and that gerl i knew in gems, on wed also.. geez.. wed muz b a happy day for me then, only realised it till nowAm afriad things r becoming bad for me, am starting to hate habits of ppl, n i get super turn off by it.. lik the way u dun do this becoz u dun lik it? n the thing is, i dun see a reason y u aint doin it dude? argggg.g.g.... *Plz go away..

'Buddy', ur gonee

2006-04-23T22:40:00.000+08:00

18 April 2006

Had this quarrel. Unexpected it was, it ended as soon.. 10mins hs passed, our friendship was gone.
"Now i know why our friendship is so little.." was the last thing he said.

January 1999 was the year i met him. Since primary, we have been close friends.. closer as time passes by. Starting from sec3, he was always present on my birthday. Nt that we were gays, bt he was the kind of person who talks about friendship all the time, they call it 'jiang yi qi' in chinese. Our friendship was 'strong', in the sense we encountered many obstacles n we got acrossed them, reli huge 1's n whenever someone tells me about their buddy stuff? He'l b someone i'l b tokin about.. Someone who'l always be ther for u to count on, n he will nev turn down ur plans, lik staying out late? or even to travel overseas.. his juz that on going. Some friend really hard to come by..

But things ended juz afew days ago. Having started by my sister, they got along quite well, bt as things carry on.. it started turning stormy.. I was kept in the dark all along until 1 day, he came revealing everyting to me. This happened approximately 2months ago. He msged me on that tuesday afternoon n we had a big tiff. I nev expected myself to use the fuk word in e conversation, nt scolding him, bt representing how angry i was. Of all the things, he wanted 2 tok about my family. He was disappointed in the way i do tings in the family, n e way i treated my sis. That sparked off everyting. Lik who was he to meddle wif my family affairs? yes.. And I was more disappointed in him.. I thought he was reli the kind of thoughtful and understanding person all along? n look wat he has become, saying the truth, i was taken aback by him that day, watever he said, his stubborness to nt accept his fault and selfishness to put my sis above our friendship, n worst, to put himself over all.. I wanted to salvage our friendship, so i asked him wat happened when we met on friday, n he told me things are over, don't talk about it. then he went on avoiding by chatting wif my other fren.. tt's it.. He started this arguement, he wanted to severe friendship wif me, n he doesnt wan to make it up.. Fine, lik i'v alrdy did my part..

Till now i cant figure out what he was thinking then.. y was he so mad? n y did he wan things to end up tis way.. We were still planning on a trip to thailand wif our other 2 buddies.. Now where's the mood man? i knw i'l hav e uneasy feeling wif him ard, we'r so fake infront of each other.. I've lost a fren 'buddy'.

Care

2006-04-18T00:35:00.000+08:00

'They have come a long way,
you have did alot till today.
Yet ard u 1 by 1 they fall,
u dont seem concious of them at all.'

I thought to myself i'v been doing so much for the people ard me. Mayb cause am trying to be someone whom they can count on, especially when they needed someone. There is tis bond btn me n them, i juz wan 2 take care of them, its necessary..

Juz recently.. i found out huihui's hand is still wrapped, i thought it has healed for it happened quite some time ago. It was still wrapped, in a BIG bandage also.
Then i found out mel met with car accident.. N it was only after she told me about it.. *i feel so useless? i cldnt b there lik how i wanted to always be ard them cause i din care.

This has never happened to me before? haha.. mayb i've been single for too long, or mayb i'v grown alittle older to start worrying bout my younger mates. It feels weird to b suddenly being so affected by their conditions when it isnt so much to do wif me, actually am juz a friend to them tts all.. Now i feel so bonded to sarah.. She's the gerl all guys would look for, but not for a relationship, bt companion.. its quite sad that i feel hardly any guys really loved her? this so cute and really honest gerl..

N just so, i realized am lik her..

Realization.

2006-04-03T00:24:00.000+08:00

Today was kbox wif karen, also my 2nd time only wif gerl la.. bt it went quite smoothly, save e shyness she has, the super polar airconditioning n my sore throat. Bt tis sucks la, wif sore throat on tis kind of occasion n i cant reach pitch coz i cant catch my breath properly, stil now i duno wat the hell was wrong, bt heck, i got compliements! yay..

I realized someting today, how come such a person lik me can b steadless for such a long time? Am i that bad? Am nt some1 wif high-esteem or condfident or watever la, i tel frenz n they cldnt believe it.. so am juz wondering wat went wrong.. mayb the gals that fall for me juz my aint my type, ther's no attraction at all.. Bt can tis b 'pei yang-ed', erm.. how do u call it? nurtured? hahaha.. alrit, i knw la, tis is 1 stupid habit.. I cant b bothered wif things that dont interest me at that point of time, bt it becomes regret later. Its such a dumb ting.. how come tings change so easily? i tink i beta term it as fickle-mindedness..

'Fickle-mindedness juz comes n go.. its a feeling withheld at present that show. Raging the mind, sorrow n regret u'l find. Juz so u dun let go, more ther is u'l find n feel cold..'

Chp 1

2006-03-26T03:10:00.000+08:00

'Everytime i tell myself to focus on my reading, i always forget. N bcoz of tt, i nev get to study for long hrs. I detest admitting myself slow lik others bt e truth was ther tt i cant deny of. I was slow.. Slow to understand tings, slow to understand myself; my needs, my body, my feelings n watever i am. Sometimes insults hurled directly at me n ther's no way to defend it. So in order to get over it, i get hit by it. That scar to my memory, is hurting.. especially whenever my studies are mentioned, i am juz as helpless.. Then everytime i tried to work hard.. But other then studies was my body, i failed.. i tend to fall seriously ill the following days of training.. Its nt hard effort for a period anymore, bt rather its a balance of determination on the long scale. I always begin to understand more as i watch animations, its asif part of life will always b revealed, n thus build up tt sense of confidence in myself.'

thats love, thats you

2006-03-12T02:51:00.000+08:00

tt's how i feel about love

i spent some troubled times e day u went away, n i gradually forgotten about u.. i had no other choice bt to hate u in order to lose u. i removed u from my msn n frenster too, thus i succeeded.. i totally lost u n i was glad, it was very much of an achievement. the moment some friends talked about u, i'l shut them up, nt bcoz i'l b reminded of u, bt i din wan to knw anyting regarding u, anyting about u. But..... i eventually failed. At 1st, i tot i had succeeded, bt i woke up e moment i saw emily in person at causeway point. i din actually saw her, i saw u. since then, time n time again the memories flow back into my head, it was a constant ting n it was everywher, anytime.. A place in my head, ur house, ur room, the park, the walk home, my place, the rice cooker, suntec, 'Ransom Letter' by Pug Jelly, valentine's day n the dinner, the shows we watched, the times when we were together, the way u behaved childishly, finally u, and u.. i can play them vividly in my mind. Those r infact nt juz memories, they r my happiness, how i realised love was so wonderful, n thats what i feel love is all about. i found some1 who can change my life by adding that piece of touch no 1 else has, she painted that part of my life n made it perfect. u made my life once perfect.

U taught me to cry, y r movies so touching i nev understood before.. it was until i left u, that i had a different view, another perception and that put me into ur shoes. All the shows we watched together at my place, every single 1 of them i remembered. if i ever start losing it, i cannot help it bt watch it again.. Now everytime i cry in a show, i knw tt some1's crying out ther too. u made my dull life new.

After mastering all the courage n pain, i still could nt remove u from my hp. the phone will b meaningless w/out ur number n ur msges.

I stil remember the last time u told me about tt guy who makes no sacrifices for u, al he does is juz bully u, u knw at that moment, i reli wanted 2 do someting 4 u, its the hardest ting i ever could do, to pretend i didnt care when all i thought was u.. bt its a long long time ago. i juz owe u too much la. 1 of the times i regretted most in my life was ignoring u.. People tend not to treasure someting until they lose it. i understand now.. bt i understood it too late.

"Jiu suan shi wo bu dong, neng bu neng yuan liang wo, wo zhi dao ni de tong si wo gei de chen nuo,wo zhi dao jian chi yao zhou, si ni sou shang de jie kou."
'NUMB' describes how u felt best in the past, i could feel u whenever i hear the song n i'l juz feel lik crying coz i see u suffering, u'v been ther has been there bt u nev once told me..

After so long, n so much time that past, all the times that i look back n smile the most are the moments i had with u.. i stil could nt forget u bcoz i'v always kept tt love n someting for u, that unforgotten feeling i'l nev lose.

I know now in the bottem of my heart, ur the best gerl i ever had. Am nt asking u to love me, bt if am able to see u nod in approval, i'l start al over again, i'l love nothing else bt u. U gav up jesus bcoz of me, n am telling u now, i also can giv up the world for u. i'v got tis feeling for a long time, n it comes from inside, it says 'my heart waits for no 1 bt u'. If its goin to take a long long time or nev, i juz wan u to knw someting, i'l b waiting for u still.

no 1 will love u lik i do.

contemplation

2006-01-08T17:33:00.000+08:00

Ther was tis long pause as i tot of e efforts i put into that maths paper.

Failure it shows. 'U r a failure nt only in studies, in motivating urself, u r therfore, a loser..' I put aside al e unwanted n it keeps comin, smacking right into my face. Slowly i tink again about genius bein genius, ther's no point in trying harder bcoz life's juz lik tt.. no matter how well u do, someone's always better then u, n so, y dun u giv up.. forfeit the game before some1 puts ur name to shame. tt's when i tel myself if i giv up, everyting's goin 2 b worse.. Bt tt's e point! when i decide to giv myself 1 more chance, tings wil start happenin n stop me from my goal, n i feel so low when tings aint right, n i lose my motivation.

tis account is half written before my exams, n now am finishing it up.

Nt ashamed of wat i did, rather i need to giv myself more time to change.
I finally came down to studying. I wanted to do tis alone n tis is a task i giv myself, nt to let the others look down on me. i knw am stupid, slow n furthurmore, tis course is totally nt to my likin, bt i hav no choice, RESULTS r wats written n my future n status r based on it. i've no choice bt to go thru tis torment..

Of all the hard work i put through for maths, its all gone down to waste.. A complete waste! i studied 2 weeks for it, went to see Mrs Quek 4 times.. did my revision n tutorial.. my aim was to get at least 70% so i'l push the pass failing paper up, bt i'l rather choose to pass the paper now.. barely ther, nt even at the 60% mark.. am wasted. how? y? wat can i do? there's nothin else bt wait.

I did it, "study to hell'06".

Reenacted, resurfaced

2006-01-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

'So he tot a thousand times, and non of them lines he remembered.'

At the point near death, wher hopes were lost, e soul relinquishes..
The bond btn it n e body by sewed threads of life, begins to untwine.
Turmoil n flashes of painful events collected in his head,
bt during tis process, the mind stil tries to salvage.
It did only told him 1 thing, breath slowly.. Ultimately, the devil took charge.
He recounted having a life, tt lifeforce was e only spirit saving him, surfacing him.
bliss he felt after waking up, yet sober. It wasnt a nightmare, it was real.

So wat made tis change?
At the thought of such circumstances, ther stood beside him was his parents. E love. undying efforts to treat e boy, n e boy was even taken to a clinic early mornin six past seven. Ther was a sense of warmth when he was put to bed n he swore e pain of a lifetime died away.
In his lifetime he made parents sick of him, they bread him as to wat they ought to do, n regretted tt 1st incident.
He was a sick child u knw? A failure, a devil, just someone so useless to an extend he doesnt tink of to earning anyting, juz spend n understand the pleasures of life. Yet tis love, his parents love stil lingers here, they forgave him for everyting he did, n blessed him for he being their child.

That LUCKY child is me.

Then i saw the love of my parents again, n how i actually faced tis treatment of pain n agony, n that i nev wan 2 feel it again. To show my appreciation for their love, i'l work hard from today onwards. My resolve, n my reason i wrote tis blog, dun forgot 01'06.'

On e verge

2006-01-01T22:25:00.000+08:00

i woke up in this place tonight,
fright instilled, uptight i feel,
my stomach clenched tightly, wonder y,
i cld bt only focus momentarily.
now evryting doesnt seem right..
i Heard those voices, 'stop!' i commanded, wat is it that their haunting me of my thoughts?
every now n then my mind seems asif sailing, sailing in a storm.
e stomach clenched, now my saliver's starting to build up in my mouth,
i falter towards the loo n drooped low,
i cant keep, 'out roar', poured out i vomitted as it clenched tighter,
tightly, my stomach it is, it wldnt let it sink.
i felt pain. nev hurt tis bad i had, i felt lik giving up,
my life has drawn close to ending, my pain n misery.
*closed.. my eyes, consealed.
A sudden place of tranquil it is,
no more pain felt, i heard no voice.