If life was a mystery, hide it from me. pain was nothing more, than a layer of skin. feeling me, are u feeling it? decomposed and rotting flesh rid of life, the ashes n all we celebrate n rejoice. if so you could, finish me inadequately.
Say tis was a lie, a big lie life would be. Make fun, ridicule me, i am as a joke indeed. Wats there to compare? when all u do best is lose. So just sayyyyyyyy, just sayyy its better in here tat u live. A place lik hell born n a victim slew for laughter n joy. Take wats there in me, pityful me. Toss me about, lik a happy bee.
'You look funny.' 'No you should not come tonight, i'll go back myself.' 'You should get going.'
'I think we should keep a distance, lets not meet each other for a week.' 'Am starting to get uncomfortable with you.' 'Your not used to not having my presence.' 'Are you still going to msg me or am i going to msg you?' 'Are we still friends?'
'Am very sorry, joel.'
She was my only source of happiness, my motivation, my will to go on, my hope in life, my love. Took it with her, everyting she gave.
I stared blankly at the screen.. blankly.. My thoughts are running wild, bt its empty. They do not connect like how my life has been broken up into. I foresee, the ever excited expression of rushing back to the bunk n turning on the phone has diminished. The creeping into late nights just to msg and tok will no longer exist. The joy, a laughing joke. I threw it all, and could you cry for me? No more talks. no more concern. no more rights.
It was an early sat afternoon. I was so excited and delightful of the fact i was going to see her.. This thought carried me thru yesterday n as well as my IPPT tis morning, i juz couldnt wait. Took Parry's car to bishan n decided, well, i shld giv her a little surprise n may hav lunch wif her, or if not, get someting n hav my meal there, haha.. Then i travelled down to novena, gav her a confirmation call n when i confirmed she was ard, i told her i'l call her back later. Then i took the escalator up.. 'Hey~', The next thing she knew, i was juz standing infront of her, all dressed up in my army u.. You look so funny, was the 1st thing she said. and she went on emphasizing how weird it was to hav me down here. Its as bad alrdy wat i am feeling, i didnt care how others felt, bt wat she did, had a significant impact on myself. Nonetheless, i kept it, changed the subject. 'Wat time did u last had ur meal?' and it was juz recently. So i tot, right, i'l see if i could bring the food over.. She rejected my idea, saying the boss might b dropping by, fine.. tis i understand. Then i asked her if she could stay out late tonight, she cant. She hav to get back right away coz her dad's angry n when i offered to send her back. She told me beta not at 1st. Then she snapped back when i asked her again, 'NO! i'l go back myself tonight, n u shld get goin..' i was lost wif words. stood ther for afew secs b4 i spoke, well.. tis feeling.. was a mixed feeling. i knw she wans me to listen to my mum n b a gd boy. Bt if i dun send her back tonight, it means the only time i can see her will b juz now n the next time is a wk later.. On top of that, she chased me away.. probably bcoz she didnt wan to discuss wat we were doing, n again, bcoz of weird appearance. i tot she had someting for me.. bt no. That was wat i had waited 2 days to see, eagerly waiting n excitedly.. for her break to my heart. It wasnt tat bad if i didnt consider her as my happiness, lik i get an unexplainable joy juz by seeing her, and wat she did for me afew days ago, those reli were nice. After wat she did, i asked her if she cared about my happiness? Yes, as a fren, n she cant giv me wat i wan as a gf, was wat she said. I told her many times i didnt care about if she doesnt lik me bcoz tis love i believe, is goin 2 b 1 sided bt i dun mind at all! i am goin 2 wait. Jac.. wat u did juz now reli tore my heart to piecies. After enduring so much in ns, my hands which i felt to cutting them away, n pride when insults flew, n having to cope wif loneliness, u added tis 1 in. The only ting that matters in life.. Seriously, i felt again life was meaningless juz now.. i side tracked to depression bt quickly pulled myself back. Why do u hav to treat me lik tis..
As i spoke wif jac on the train, she saw the dead layers of skin build up after many pull up repititions and asked me to let her see. She took my hand, faced it up n pulled the palm flat. Felt the thickness, the wound, the effort. And told me to do someting to remove it. Tat kind of love, i reli was hungry for more. When ever i held her close to me, kissed her n watch her go, she'l always stretch out her hand, lik a gesture to hold on n, u knw tis givs me hope.. Its lik how i dun wan u to go tat kind of feeling bt u hav to go. Jac i couldnt ask for more.. U automatically refitted my loose plaster even thou its kinda sick wif the dirt n stuff bt u din mind. That u adjusted afew times, made me felt lik letting the plaster loose so u could always refit it somemore. Today u reli made my day Jac, i seriously am more into u jac, tis feeling inside me i can tel, is more firm than ever..
An rotten APPLE. Tis blog has been bitten rotten by time and now its nothing bt lik a carcass. Thats becoz time would not allow me to. Having to spend 5 1/2 days a wk in camp, i'm only out for 1 n a half days! Divide tis time proportionately btn home, frens (jac,mouse,ryl,jt,xingyan,syl,karen,sarah), rest, outing, leisure, packing, buyin. Thats wats left of it. Well, juz to commence the renewal or rather start of my blog once again! yay... Its national day we'r celebrating today and yest i spent the night at mouse place. It all happened before that. Once i reached the pasir ris terminal, i excitedly called jac up.. 'Hey, wher r u girls now?' 'Looking for a cab at smu ther..' 'Wat the hell are ur doin there?' 'The car crashed bt nvm la, it wasnt serious.' Then i started probing, 'No, eh tel me wat happened?' And she was tryin to avoid it, probably not wanting more troubles n again, not let me worry. So i stopped. Tinking, its goin to b very disturbing if i go on, based on the circumstances.. Then suddenly she told me to put down alrdy, the rest are looking at an odd manner. Tis surge of anger shot right up at my god sister, i was, n i was blaming her for jac's decision. Y does it hav to b ryl always in the way. btn ryl n me, ryl's priority. i din lik that at all.. 'Ok.' Buddy told me if i'm nt goin, at least offer to go back wif her, lik make her knw u care. I knw jac knws i care, and tats y i knw she wun accept my offer bcoz 1stly i wun b ard, n 2ndly she has her fren's wif her. I'm lik an obstacle.. So i contemplate btn calling her n telling her or juz stfu. But i called. She told me she's at mambo alrdy n put me right on 2nd line after answering. i cancelled the call, 'i dun tink it necessary.' She's obviously juz neglecting me. Its my book out day n is tis how i shld b treated? All u care now, i understand is the club tingy n wats goin ard ther.. There's no sympathy or even a single likelyhood u bothered. Then she sent me 2 msges, 'Am sry.' I was reli frustrated.. 'Do u mean it at all or u juz wanted me to feel better?' If its the lather, i rather u keep it inside.' Yes, LOVE, is understanding, slow n forgiving. 'I threw all the frustrations, the faults i felt she has faulted right at myself and tot, u knw how it feels lik there, mayb she's looking for her frens and feelin some peer pressure at tat point of time, its messy and crowded and everybody's in their own special world.' I re-enforced tat thought, 'ya.. it makes sense..' At tat point of recovering time, i trip over the ledge by the road, fell n threw myself forward. My palm lended 1st n the 1st 2 layers were torn, the pain was unbearable when i finally washed cold water over it. Arghhhh.. On top of tat, the blisters on my hands are alrdy killin me, y does all these hav to happen at once. I did wat i had to the wound n brushed it off. 'Alrit, i'l msg her later.. When ur clubbing, u dun pay much attention to the phone.' So at 5+.. i msged her. We exchanged msges n finally, decided wat to do the next day. I made her tis mix berry pound cake wif yogurt. It was my 2nd time. the 1st was sampled by me myself n mouse. PASSED. So i went on wif jac's cake. Then before i left for lunch, i fitted the thin slices nicely into the container, poured the yogurt wif care n placed the blueberry n digestive biscuits toppings on. And into the fridge. DONE. So am suppose 2 meet jac at 2. I set off earlier to bring her the cake, tinkin of droppin by her place 1st, bt she didnt wan me up bcoz of the mess, being the flexible me, i juz said ok lor.. then she came down to take the cake up.. I suppose she's goin 2 hav tat for dinner n i hope she likes it..
