'H a t e ME

Mother: Hi Justin! This is your mother it is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya. Take care honey, I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!

(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't loose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all thew things I didn't do for you
Hate me in way, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 3)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you do this to me?"

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

Children: If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me. I can't believe YOU ACTUALLY MISS ME....

Girl: Hey Justin! x12+

5 8 9 3

Juz as i was about to let go, she came..

I decided to fuck care those gerls n b on my own.. I knw its alwys been on n off, finding gerls, giving up n the cycle continues bt i was giving it another chance, hoping someting will b different, but the results r always the same.. single, single, single.. friends told me to wait, wat gd to b in a r/s, u quarrel n unhappiness always bloom..

I dun care about tis unhappiness, ther is more sadness to none.. stoning eveytime, wow'ing at home, sch, gym, n those ger friends i got, i juz dun feel lik speaking to any of them.. serene made me all got up n sad.. mayb thers tis significant hope on her, tt's y am dwelling so deep. I'v turned down afew of my gerl's outing, n pushing it to a date that nev comes, and the reason was i din feel lik goin at all.. Am nt sure of tis change, or mayb its sch.. fyp, agenda tis week n tis term's slack.. to add on, the napfa tingy came in today, am simply running away from everyting, i knw, bt i dun wish to get started too, am so in the mood for lost.. The WORK is PILING. I'v always tot gymin might help me to forget stuff, thou they do, am stil as troubled.. Ther is juz to many work in sch, my leisure is compromised, ther is nothn bt com in my life.. N am forcing tis gerl ting into my life, juz to make myself difficult..

Actually i din knw i had so much unsettled matters, lol.. the fyp, agenda, tml's hw, outing, spending time wif family, wow wif frenz, sch work, napfa.. all these rumbling in my mind.. I tink i beta do the fyp tingy tml, at least someting, n slp early for today, hav a change in life basically.. everynight's 1-2a, slp n i feel so drained out..

Furthurmore judy asked me if i wanted work, n i told her no, then she asked me to accompany her.. i felt so bad rejecting her la, n valerie asked me to visit her either today or tml, i din go today, n i din wan to go tml either, bt i knw if i turn up, she'l b so damn happy.. I always do tis kind of tings juz to make them happy, bt it seems gerls lik bad boys to my kind.. i reli duno which line i shld stand on.. Now i juz wana turn back into that dao person, b more lik myself, maybe.. do all my work, n ya! y all of a sudden my gerls ask me out.. its so weird la, week after week. Then i wanted to go out wif mel tml, bt never did i expect her to get so mad at the nudge n *knock knock ting, she told me off n i was reli, reli, saddd.. bt i tot i disappointed her in the 1st place.. nvm, i guess i'l go tel her wat i plan bt its juz plan.. i'l b goin alone tml. damn am so slpy.. muz b the stupid bmd room also, crap..

I nev existed.

Was picking up pieces of me the last few days. Thought the 1 thing i knew bout love, was.. Actions.

Fell through, all that i had done..
It sucks.
Life sucks.
Love no, compassionate with none.
Misery, is it there for me too feel?
Yes, taken to heal.
Capped inside, its rotting and oozing black liquid filled the surface of my heart.
Soon it'l be over..

*So i met somebody similar to marg..

I was rushing to class from T12 to T14 when i met her ther.. So i saw her wif her grp of friends n i somehow smiled to her, thou we duno each other well, bt we were from the same secondary sch.. It was then that i thought about y i smiled? that was unlike me.. So later that day, i got her msn n tt's how tings progressed.. (this as on the wed)

So i've got her num n we toked from 1+ till 3am on sat night. Then we cont. with msges the next day.. bt i cld tel she's someting lik marg, in the sense the way their replies are to me.. totally juz replying wat i say, then hw do i make them msg.. as in make her feel lik she wans to msg n not obligated. BUT, i read her blog n, it sounded lik i disrupted her life. Thou she didnt say it was a bad ting, bt naturally i wun feel too gd about it, actually, i tink i'v got tis little feeling about her, n that came naturally.. Anyway, she gives me tis uninterested feeling, am not sure if i shld carry on contacting her everyday, to bring us closer, OR msg her once in awhile, thou its slower n less efficiently, its safe.. I'v did the 2nd option wif marg, n it din work out quite well, so am experimenting the 1st option wif serene.

Then i got tis msg from her ' Y u always msg so much 1 ah?'
I was so taken aback, so i told her 'today its maintence for my game, i cant play, so i tot of u. N ur chasing me away..' Then she said she wans to stop the habit of msging alot per day.

Is it a hint? i guess not.. she told me she dun lik sensitive ppl. It doesnt sound obvious to her, bt it seems lik she's instigating someting, Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Its that hard 2 chase somebody.. FUK. Y do gerls always get the best tings, they wait n get hooked up upon, we wait n soon we'l b left on THAT shelf.

Whats left of me. nick lacey (listening now)

Right, i juz disappointed mel by turning down her movie request tml. Haiz... that muz hav hurt, i did feel it too, coz i'v nev turned any of her request down ever.. n bcoz i gave some stupid reason that jt n mole has got the 10 day trial, n they wanted me to play wif them.. I fuking made that up.. Its true bout the 10-day, bt actually i wanted to play as well, n that $7 is seven bucks closer to my hp.. Tt's how i lied to her.. I'v always did my best, try to be Mr nice guy n do anyting for any1, but am always taken granted off, to the extend i can b replaced.. Is this wat am called upon for?
To be summoned upon request?
Wher's my pride?
What is my status?
I guess am getting off track, am confused.. But 1 ting is true, i cheated on her.. So tis is how it feels when ppl cheats on me.. It hurts, bt it wun b lik how am feeling now.. it will nev..

*Am living in a nobody's world. Isolated, redundant, unnecessary n more.. i nev existed.