So sickk..

U see.. there's tis gal friend of mine, melissa? yea.. we always wanted to meet up. or rather u can say i always wanted to meet up wif her. We arrange, n arrange n arrange.. No matter how many times she said she missed me and we got a date fixed. It always turn out the other way.. last min call off n stuf. The last straw was last friday(21 April 2006).

We arranged and finally, were suppose to meet on that fri, i had to decide whether to go for my friends party, no ordinary friends, bt my poly friends who hav been wif me for the last 2yrs bt seperated coz we majored into diff courses.. N then i turned down my fyp leader, telling him i got someting urgent on the sat coz i was suppose 2 stay over her place. I carried my notebook around that day, n on top of that, a PS2 console which my fren needs from me. Trust me, it was reli tiring.. then i met my fren for a cd to install something for her com n he din bring it.. So i ended up goin back home, carrying along my heavy bag n goin down orchard to meet my fren, then later on to her place. While i was at orchard, e plan was cancelled. I wasnt surprised actually, bt rather disappointed in the way tings were, always being called off.. It felt irritating for the start, bt nw am feeling much beta, lik.. at least i knw someting now onwards.. In the end, i met my fren for the party ting..

Actually, it feels so much beta to b writing all these down, lik.. Look, the pressure is gone! i muz hav been so sick about it, n other things adding onto it. Bt afew things that r turning tings ard are my movie today? gym/dinner wif mar on wed? and that gerl i knew in gems, on wed also.. geez.. wed muz b a happy day for me then, only realised it till nowAm afriad things r becoming bad for me, am starting to hate habits of ppl, n i get super turn off by it.. lik the way u dun do this becoz u dun lik it? n the thing is, i dun see a reason y u aint doin it dude? argggg.g.g.... *Plz go away..

'Buddy', ur gonee

18 April 2006

Had this quarrel. Unexpected it was, it ended as soon.. 10mins hs passed, our friendship was gone.
"Now i know why our friendship is so little.." was the last thing he said.

January 1999 was the year i met him. Since primary, we have been close friends.. closer as time passes by. Starting from sec3, he was always present on my birthday. Nt that we were gays, bt he was the kind of person who talks about friendship all the time, they call it 'jiang yi qi' in chinese. Our friendship was 'strong', in the sense we encountered many obstacles n we got acrossed them, reli huge 1's n whenever someone tells me about their buddy stuff? He'l b someone i'l b tokin about.. Someone who'l always be ther for u to count on, n he will nev turn down ur plans, lik staying out late? or even to travel overseas.. his juz that on going. Some friend really hard to come by..

But things ended juz afew days ago. Having started by my sister, they got along quite well, bt as things carry on.. it started turning stormy.. I was kept in the dark all along until 1 day, he came revealing everyting to me. This happened approximately 2months ago. He msged me on that tuesday afternoon n we had a big tiff. I nev expected myself to use the fuk word in e conversation, nt scolding him, bt representing how angry i was. Of all the things, he wanted 2 tok about my family. He was disappointed in the way i do tings in the family, n e way i treated my sis. That sparked off everyting. Lik who was he to meddle wif my family affairs? yes.. And I was more disappointed in him.. I thought he was reli the kind of thoughtful and understanding person all along? n look wat he has become, saying the truth, i was taken aback by him that day, watever he said, his stubborness to nt accept his fault and selfishness to put my sis above our friendship, n worst, to put himself over all.. I wanted to salvage our friendship, so i asked him wat happened when we met on friday, n he told me things are over, don't talk about it. then he went on avoiding by chatting wif my other fren.. tt's it.. He started this arguement, he wanted to severe friendship wif me, n he doesnt wan to make it up.. Fine, lik i'v alrdy did my part..

Till now i cant figure out what he was thinking then.. y was he so mad? n y did he wan things to end up tis way.. We were still planning on a trip to thailand wif our other 2 buddies.. Now where's the mood man? i knw i'l hav e uneasy feeling wif him ard, we'r so fake infront of each other.. I've lost a fren 'buddy'.

Care

'They have come a long way,
you have did alot till today.
Yet ard u 1 by 1 they fall,
u dont seem concious of them at all.'

I thought to myself i'v been doing so much for the people ard me. Mayb cause am trying to be someone whom they can count on, especially when they needed someone. There is tis bond btn me n them, i juz wan 2 take care of them, its necessary..

Juz recently.. i found out huihui's hand is still wrapped, i thought it has healed for it happened quite some time ago. It was still wrapped, in a BIG bandage also.
Then i found out mel met with car accident.. N it was only after she told me about it.. *i feel so useless? i cldnt b there lik how i wanted to always be ard them cause i din care.

This has never happened to me before? haha.. mayb i've been single for too long, or mayb i'v grown alittle older to start worrying bout my younger mates. It feels weird to b suddenly being so affected by their conditions when it isnt so much to do wif me, actually am juz a friend to them tts all.. Now i feel so bonded to sarah.. She's the gerl all guys would look for, but not for a relationship, bt companion.. its quite sad that i feel hardly any guys really loved her? this so cute and really honest gerl..

N just so, i realized am lik her..

Realization.

Today was kbox wif karen, also my 2nd time only wif gerl la.. bt it went quite smoothly, save e shyness she has, the super polar airconditioning n my sore throat. Bt tis sucks la, wif sore throat on tis kind of occasion n i cant reach pitch coz i cant catch my breath properly, stil now i duno wat the hell was wrong, bt heck, i got compliements! yay..

I realized someting today, how come such a person lik me can b steadless for such a long time? Am i that bad? Am nt some1 wif high-esteem or condfident or watever la, i tel frenz n they cldnt believe it.. so am juz wondering wat went wrong.. mayb the gals that fall for me juz my aint my type, ther's no attraction at all.. Bt can tis b 'pei yang-ed', erm.. how do u call it? nurtured? hahaha.. alrit, i knw la, tis is 1 stupid habit.. I cant b bothered wif things that dont interest me at that point of time, bt it becomes regret later. Its such a dumb ting.. how come tings change so easily? i tink i beta term it as fickle-mindedness..

'Fickle-mindedness juz comes n go.. its a feeling withheld at present that show. Raging the mind, sorrow n regret u'l find. Juz so u dun let go, more ther is u'l find n feel cold..'