Chp 1

'Everytime i tell myself to focus on my reading, i always forget. N bcoz of tt, i nev get to study for long hrs. I detest admitting myself slow lik others bt e truth was ther tt i cant deny of. I was slow.. Slow to understand tings, slow to understand myself; my needs, my body, my feelings n watever i am. Sometimes insults hurled directly at me n ther's no way to defend it. So in order to get over it, i get hit by it. That scar to my memory, is hurting.. especially whenever my studies are mentioned, i am juz as helpless.. Then everytime i tried to work hard.. But other then studies was my body, i failed.. i tend to fall seriously ill the following days of training.. Its nt hard effort for a period anymore, bt rather its a balance of determination on the long scale. I always begin to understand more as i watch animations, its asif part of life will always b revealed, n thus build up tt sense of confidence in myself.'

thats love, thats you

tt's how i feel about love

i spent some troubled times e day u went away, n i gradually forgotten about u.. i had no other choice bt to hate u in order to lose u. i removed u from my msn n frenster too, thus i succeeded.. i totally lost u n i was glad, it was very much of an achievement. the moment some friends talked about u, i'l shut them up, nt bcoz i'l b reminded of u, bt i din wan to knw anyting regarding u, anyting about u. But..... i eventually failed. At 1st, i tot i had succeeded, bt i woke up e moment i saw emily in person at causeway point. i din actually saw her, i saw u. since then, time n time again the memories flow back into my head, it was a constant ting n it was everywher, anytime.. A place in my head, ur house, ur room, the park, the walk home, my place, the rice cooker, suntec, 'Ransom Letter' by Pug Jelly, valentine's day n the dinner, the shows we watched, the times when we were together, the way u behaved childishly, finally u, and u.. i can play them vividly in my mind. Those r infact nt juz memories, they r my happiness, how i realised love was so wonderful, n thats what i feel love is all about. i found some1 who can change my life by adding that piece of touch no 1 else has, she painted that part of my life n made it perfect. u made my life once perfect.

U taught me to cry, y r movies so touching i nev understood before.. it was until i left u, that i had a different view, another perception and that put me into ur shoes. All the shows we watched together at my place, every single 1 of them i remembered. if i ever start losing it, i cannot help it bt watch it again.. Now everytime i cry in a show, i knw tt some1's crying out ther too. u made my dull life new.

After mastering all the courage n pain, i still could nt remove u from my hp. the phone will b meaningless w/out ur number n ur msges.

I stil remember the last time u told me about tt guy who makes no sacrifices for u, al he does is juz bully u, u knw at that moment, i reli wanted 2 do someting 4 u, its the hardest ting i ever could do, to pretend i didnt care when all i thought was u.. bt its a long long time ago. i juz owe u too much la. 1 of the times i regretted most in my life was ignoring u.. People tend not to treasure someting until they lose it. i understand now.. bt i understood it too late.

"Jiu suan shi wo bu dong, neng bu neng yuan liang wo, wo zhi dao ni de tong si wo gei de chen nuo,wo zhi dao jian chi yao zhou, si ni sou shang de jie kou."
'NUMB' describes how u felt best in the past, i could feel u whenever i hear the song n i'l juz feel lik crying coz i see u suffering, u'v been ther has been there bt u nev once told me..

After so long, n so much time that past, all the times that i look back n smile the most are the moments i had with u.. i stil could nt forget u bcoz i'v always kept tt love n someting for u, that unforgotten feeling i'l nev lose.

I know now in the bottem of my heart, ur the best gerl i ever had. Am nt asking u to love me, bt if am able to see u nod in approval, i'l start al over again, i'l love nothing else bt u. U gav up jesus bcoz of me, n am telling u now, i also can giv up the world for u. i'v got tis feeling for a long time, n it comes from inside, it says 'my heart waits for no 1 bt u'. If its goin to take a long long time or nev, i juz wan u to knw someting, i'l b waiting for u still.

no 1 will love u lik i do.