LIFE's little phrases

Learn to die and you'll learn how to live.



Appreciate the loving relationships and environment that we take for granted for.



Great poet Auden says, Love each other or perish.



Learn to detach, no use clinging onto because everthing is impermanent. You have to let it go fully and thats how you leave it.



Go all the way through, usually your too busy being afraid.

A title for thee

See how times go by, realization in sudden burst of enthusiasm.. This little something in me only occuring now.

Its always alittle too late but never.

Have been missing out the little details, LIFE. Ever wonder wat it was, how people accepted/viewed it indifferently? Well, its got to be respected. People like me now are only talking about it becoz either our life is starting to get messy or u have everything alrdy.. Of coz its the first option, neverlessly, its got to have FIGHTING spirit. You wont survive.

See how i changed from a whimsy looking fat boy to a more better, figured person now. My decision making, dedications, principals.. It all matters. Even how people viewed of me, it matters to a certain extend, whether do u need him, shld u satisfy him, play dumb just to please him to get ur life better? it all depends. I say its all about PRIDE man. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

Well, you have to learn to be stupid to be smart.. =)

Learnt it from this old man who does tailoring and y, this little phrases does have effects.

- Like having dignity, dont do things just because you expect something from him in return. Very selfish thought eh.

and whats the most painful of it all.. Every Gain comes with Sacrifices.

Sometimes we are just to scared about losing something. If im goin to commit myself into doing this, im going to lose everything else. Nono.. i got to keep a balance. How? Without losing it completely, you dont gain. And without the latter, would ur life still b as wonderful? If thats so, y are u even comtenplating on making this change?

Sure life has to go on and i say, CHANGE!

2 weeks later.

Maybe it was just the hp, now, quite redundant it has became.
Its been close to 2 wks we hav stopped seeing each other, things aint the same anymore.
Say its been balanced on both sides. I feel totally free.. Just like a bird, taking any course i would prefer. I also focused my time on other friends, especially my mei and admin time has been put to the Drill Squad. It isnt so bad afterall..

Is it? I lost somebody i wanted to spend my time with, and all the times we were out.. Memories.. Now i'v got to find another. Its ok.. its ok..

Lonliness has always been there for me. Yes, i tink i appreciate it now..

Just yesterday, we had OC's evening and it was funny, freaking relaxing n fun. My platoon did a skid and a song item. Well, thou i could hav done both, i chose song. Tis particular song 'Qing Fei De Yi' was not lik any other times u sang it.. We had such bond and the atmosphere was warm. I was smiling the whole time and i didnt knw y, haha.. It was nice.. it was.

Then i went out wif karen to watch a movie at CWP. I OVERSLEPT! damn it.. felt so bad la, lik always late, so i paid for the popcorn set later, haha.. Anyhow, the show was quite interesting, mmm.. plot was alrit, and Jay was kind cool, lik it makes u wan to feel lik him.. Bt the 'Sky' is damn hell sweet, bloody hell.. damnnnnnnnnnn..

The hardest path, in other words, ur dream.

If life was a mystery, hide it from me.
pain was nothing more, than a layer of skin.
feeling me, are u feeling it?
decomposed and rotting flesh rid of life,
the ashes n all we celebrate n rejoice.
if so you could,
finish me inadequately.

Say tis was a lie, a big lie life would be.
Make fun, ridicule me, i am as a joke indeed.
Wats there to compare? when all u do best is lose.
So just sayyyyyyyy, just sayyy its better in here tat u live.
A place lik hell born n a victim slew for laughter n joy.
Take wats there in me, pityful me.
Toss me about, lik a happy bee.

'You look funny.'
'No you should not come tonight, i'll go back myself.'
'You should get going.'

'I think we should keep a distance, lets not meet each other for a week.'
'Am starting to get uncomfortable with you.'
'Your not used to not having my presence.'
'Are you still going to msg me or am i going to msg you?'
'Are we still friends?'

'Am very sorry, joel.'

She was my only source of happiness, my motivation, my will to go on, my hope in life, my love.
Took it with her, everyting she gave.

I stared blankly at the screen.. blankly.. My thoughts are running wild, bt its empty. They do not connect like how my life has been broken up into. I foresee, the ever excited expression of rushing back to the bunk n turning on the phone has diminished. The creeping into late nights just to msg and tok will no longer exist. The joy, a laughing joke.
I threw it all, and could you cry for me?
No more talks. no more concern. no more rights.

1 terrible book out day.

It was an early sat afternoon. I was so excited and delightful of the fact i was going to see her..

This thought carried me thru yesterday n as well as my IPPT tis morning, i juz couldnt wait. Took Parry's car to bishan n decided, well, i shld giv her a little surprise n may hav lunch wif her, or if not, get someting n hav my meal there, haha.. Then i travelled down to novena, gav her a confirmation call n when i confirmed she was ard, i told her i'l call her back later. Then i took the escalator up..

'Hey~',
The next thing she knew, i was juz standing infront of her, all dressed up in my army u..
You look so funny, was the 1st thing she said. and she went on emphasizing how weird it was to hav me down here. Its as bad alrdy wat i am feeling, i didnt care how others felt, bt wat she did, had a significant impact on myself. Nonetheless, i kept it, changed the subject.
'Wat time did u last had ur meal?' and it was juz recently. So i tot, right, i'l see if i could bring the food over.. She rejected my idea, saying the boss might b dropping by, fine.. tis i understand. Then i asked her if she could stay out late tonight, she cant. She hav to get back right away coz her dad's angry n when i offered to send her back. She told me beta not at 1st. Then she snapped back when i asked her again, 'NO! i'l go back myself tonight, n u shld get goin..' i was lost wif words. stood ther for afew secs b4 i spoke, well.. tis feeling.. was a mixed feeling. i knw she wans me to listen to my mum n b a gd boy. Bt if i dun send her back tonight, it means the only time i can see her will b juz now n the next time is a wk later.. On top of that, she chased me away.. probably bcoz she didnt wan to discuss wat we were doing, n again, bcoz of weird appearance. i tot she had someting for me.. bt no.

That was wat i had waited 2 days to see, eagerly waiting n excitedly.. for her break to my heart.

It wasnt tat bad if i didnt consider her as my happiness, lik i get an unexplainable joy juz by seeing her, and wat she did for me afew days ago, those reli were nice. After wat she did, i asked her if she cared about my happiness? Yes, as a fren, n she cant giv me wat i wan as a gf, was wat she said. I told her many times i didnt care about if she doesnt lik me bcoz tis love i believe, is goin 2 b 1 sided bt i dun mind at all! i am goin 2 wait. Jac.. wat u did juz now reli tore my heart to piecies. After enduring so much in ns, my hands which i felt to cutting them away, n pride when insults flew, n having to cope wif loneliness, u added tis 1 in. The only ting that matters in life.. Seriously, i felt again life was meaningless juz now.. i side tracked to depression bt quickly pulled myself back.

Why do u hav to treat me lik tis..

Hanging by the moment.

As i spoke wif jac on the train, she saw the dead layers of skin build up after many pull up repititions and asked me to let her see. She took my hand, faced it up n pulled the palm flat. Felt the thickness, the wound, the effort. And told me to do someting to remove it. Tat kind of love, i reli was hungry for more. When ever i held her close to me, kissed her n watch her go, she'l always stretch out her hand, lik a gesture to hold on n, u knw tis givs me hope.. Its lik how i dun wan u to go tat kind of feeling bt u hav to go. Jac i couldnt ask for more.. U automatically refitted my loose plaster even thou its kinda sick wif the dirt n stuff bt u din mind. That u adjusted afew times, made me felt lik letting the plaster loose so u could always refit it somemore.

Today u reli made my day Jac, i seriously am more into u jac, tis feeling inside me i can tel, is more firm than ever..

re alisa tion

An rotten APPLE.

Tis blog has been bitten rotten by time and now its nothing bt lik a carcass.

Thats becoz time would not allow me to. Having to spend 5 1/2 days a wk in camp, i'm only out for 1 n a half days! Divide tis time proportionately btn home, frens (jac,mouse,ryl,jt,xingyan,syl,karen,sarah), rest, outing, leisure, packing, buyin. Thats wats left of it.

Well, juz to commence the renewal or rather start of my blog once again! yay...
Its national day we'r celebrating today and yest i spent the night at mouse place. It all happened before that.
Once i reached the pasir ris terminal, i excitedly called jac up..

'Hey, wher r u girls now?'
'Looking for a cab at smu ther..'
'Wat the hell are ur doin there?'
'The car crashed bt nvm la, it wasnt serious.'

Then i started probing, 'No, eh tel me wat happened?'
And she was tryin to avoid it, probably not wanting more troubles n again, not let me worry.
So i stopped. Tinking, its goin to b very disturbing if i go on, based on the circumstances..

Then suddenly she told me to put down alrdy, the rest are looking at an odd manner. Tis surge of anger shot right up at my god sister, i was, n i was blaming her for jac's decision. Y does it hav to b ryl always in the way. btn ryl n me, ryl's priority. i din lik that at all..

'Ok.'

Buddy told me if i'm nt goin, at least offer to go back wif her, lik make her knw u care. I knw jac knws i care, and tats y i knw she wun accept my offer bcoz 1stly i wun b ard, n 2ndly she has her fren's wif her. I'm lik an obstacle.. So i contemplate btn calling her n telling her or juz stfu. But i called.

She told me she's at mambo alrdy n put me right on 2nd line after answering. i cancelled the call, 'i dun tink it necessary.' She's obviously juz neglecting me. Its my book out day n is tis how i shld b treated? All u care now, i understand is the club tingy n wats goin ard ther.. There's no sympathy or even a single likelyhood u bothered. Then she sent me 2 msges, 'Am sry.'
I was reli frustrated.. 'Do u mean it at all or u juz wanted me to feel better?' If its the lather, i rather u keep it inside.'
Yes, LOVE, is understanding, slow n forgiving. 'I threw all the frustrations, the faults i felt she has faulted right at myself and tot, u knw how it feels lik there, mayb she's looking for her frens and feelin some peer pressure at tat point of time, its messy and crowded and everybody's in their own special world.' I re-enforced tat thought, 'ya.. it makes sense..' At tat point of recovering time, i trip over the ledge by the road, fell n threw myself forward. My palm lended 1st n the 1st 2 layers were torn, the pain was unbearable when i finally washed cold water over it. Arghhhh.. On top of tat, the blisters on my hands are alrdy killin me, y does all these hav to happen at once. I did wat i had to the wound n brushed it off.

'Alrit, i'l msg her later.. When ur clubbing, u dun pay much attention to the phone.'

So at 5+.. i msged her. We exchanged msges n finally, decided wat to do the next day. I made her tis mix berry pound cake wif yogurt. It was my 2nd time. the 1st was sampled by me myself n mouse. PASSED. So i went on wif jac's cake. Then before i left for lunch, i fitted the thin slices nicely into the container, poured the yogurt wif care n placed the blueberry n digestive biscuits toppings on. And into the fridge. DONE.

So am suppose 2 meet jac at 2. I set off earlier to bring her the cake, tinkin of droppin by her place 1st, bt she didnt wan me up bcoz of the mess, being the flexible me, i juz said ok lor.. then she came down to take the cake up.. I suppose she's goin 2 hav tat for dinner n i hope she likes it..

We 'CANT' go back..

Yup! I'l do it.. Bend on it, stick to it.. My resolution.

It just came earlier on yest, 1 May. I was sitting in the pantry room at work, tinkin n pondering wats taking val so long to reply?

Its been a day, no lesser. Said she was bz.. n i replied that msg, stil the phone did not respond. I waited. waited n tot.. kept tinking.

enlightenment suddenly struck my head. Y was i waiting so much for her? i mean, am i that desperate for her msg? all i'l get is juz sry i was bz. Thats redundant. i dun need that kind of empathy.

So i sent her another, tellin her about its alrit if u din reply, anyway bout tis thurs, was wondering if u could make it. Then everything didnt sounded imp anymore. I remisence the girls accumulated at the back of my head, judy, joey, mel, val.. all these n mayb somemore that i wanted to patch back, n mayb ther will b a chance of reoccurance.

This tot juz disappeared. I tot about the taka girl immediately. Move on i told myself. Embrace urself for u hav waited tis long, juz go for it. bout the other girls, their 'past'. Their non-existance n u'l only put urself into shit by tryin 2 salvage matters. Yes i said. Am going to do it..

Mayb its the many things i hav to do that gave me courage. I'v got 2 get back the refugees pants, go settle score wif my poly lect, collect the robe for grad.. I hate these kind of things, unfinished business.. Yup, 1 less of it is waiting for val. Am not waitin for her msg anymore. Y shld i..

'Phantom of e opera', me alike.

Lol.. Phantom of the opera was like the previous sunday, 22/4/07, bt am writing tat account now. Probably i picked up some new happy times, went to see val n toked wif joc.

Bout the play.

It was TERRIFIC. Excellent stage works that live u wondering how it is actually managed n by the time u'v figure it out, another amazing thing will yet to b displayed, n u'l nev get enough of it. So jus sit down, relax n enjoy. Effects, performance n it has life experiences like fire, the chandalier crashing, pretty afew more.. The singing was astonishing, exactly duplicated from the CD itself, the only bad thing was Christine wasnt pretty enuf, lol.. There i bought a keychain n a mug. The keychain was planned to b given to val for her bday, even thou she didnt rmber mine n hence not wishing me, i'l stil get her this just bcoz she loves 'Phantom of the Opera'.

Now about current affairs.

Simply, rocky.
that night i chatted wif val n it left me reli delighted, lik hope was everywher.. I msged her coz i didnt wan it to end, n she also had the same feelings.. But the following days got me frustrated.. Msges came days later n she didnt even call me when she was supposed too. Said it was too late n didnt wan to wake me up, its tis kind of things u see, that i end up argueing wif her. Calling is wat normal ppl will do coz the other party will definitely slp abit later, waiting for the phone call but nooo.. No calls. Nvm. i knw she's lik this thats y i didnt take it into consideration. Then the msges.. Always apologizing, admitting she's sry bcoz she was too bz wif her stuff.. JUST wat stuff? Msging is a simple n needless to say, non-time consuming thing to do, u got 2 take a whole day n reply the msg only the following? Its ridicules. I keep getting angry over all these, bt i also keep planning on comin out wif her. Everything is about her, her her, sacrifices.. Sometimes its just better to just give in. Thats wat all those guys ard her are doin also.. She has plenty of guys i knw, bt how can they b compared to my love n sacrifices for her? we'v known each other for YRS! Its just 1 fuked up matter about myself. Am beginning to feel impotent. I suck at this n all these efforts will go to waste coz in the end, she stil has so many guys under her feet n wat am i now? a shit.

Now this goes back to myself. There's nobody, nobody nobody nobody! Emo emo emo.. Am getting crazy wif all these nonsense. Jt's got ivy, staying happily n enjoying their sweet times at mouse's place. Mouse has got a god-sis, reli lovely n his getting to knw alot of girls. Syl has got a gf n tts his life. Me? Am stil trying other ways to chase val. hahahaha.. Does tis sound reli enlightening? I find life so thrilling, i do.